Dating Crimes & Their Definitions
GHOST — to disappear on someone you’re dating without a trace
FANTOME — to ghost, but by a Frenchman
LOVEBOMB — to bombard a date with attention and compliments early in the relationship to blow her walls to smithereens
FACEBOMB — to FaceTime without warning
FLASH MOB — to use your significant other’s friends and family as accomplices to shame her into marrying you via choreographed dance
BREADCRUMB- to leave little traces of attention for a date, like liking her posts or texting, so she stays on the trail
BAGUETTECRUMB — to breadcrumb, but by a Frenchman
USPS — to not respond to a text for 3–5 business days
ROMAN EXECUTION — to send the thumbs up reaction in response to a nude photo
DATESSERTATION — to spend the entire date talking without asking any questions
FRENCH PRESS — to spend the entire date talking without asking any questions, but by a Frenchman
BLOCKSPLAIN — to explain crypto on a date unprompted
LAYOVER — to go on a break with your significant other before a trip
PARIS AGREEMENT — to go on a break with your significant other before a trip to Paris, likely orchestrated by a Frenchman
PUBLIC SHAME — to dump a significant other in a public place
COFFEE BREAK — to dump a significant other over coffee
SCROOGE — to dump a significant other before Christmas
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE — to ghost a significant other before Christmas
MARLEY — to reach out to your ex during the Christmas season
GRIM REAPER — to dump a significant other before their birthday
CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLE — to dump a significant other, but by Gwyneth Paltrow
MICHAEL BAY — to explode a relationship that lacks substance in an over-the-top, balls to the wall blow-up that is immature, but entertaining
FRENCH FRY — to explode a relationship, but by a Frenchman
REBOUND — to hook-up or get into a new relationship after a recent breakup
CIAO DOWN — to rebound, but with an Italian, likely to get back at a Frenchman
FRENCH TWIST — to rebound, but with your Frenchman ex, and you’re not proud of it
Jenny Gorelick is a “crushworthy comedian” (Time Out New York). More on her Instagram , Twitter, and at jennygorelick.com.
Vicky Leta (Illustrations) is a type 1 diabetic illustrator and cartoonist originally from the Jersey Shore. More at vickyleta.com.
