Dear Residents: Our Apartment Community Is Now A UFO Cult
Dear Residents,
As the seasons change, we wanted to provide a few updates to the Metro Court Plaza apartment community!
Despite the recent heat wave, we unfortunately cannot activate the A/C before May 15th. Trust us, we’re as eager as you are!
In addition, parking rows B-D will be closed until October for construction of the new Ascension Platform. We apologize for any resulting noise during normal business hours, but we are excited to share this addition with you!
Wishing you a cool summer!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Residents,
Wow! We’ve gotten quite a few questions about the Ascension Platform. We are thrilled to share more about this upgrade!
The Ascension Platform is just what it sounds like — a 300-foot-wide freestanding circular dais for use in the Consecration ceremony! And before you ask, yes, it will have enough altars for all 742 members of our community, and yes, it will be made of 100% all-natural obsidian!
It is sure to be a big hit with our residents, and Spronk (His InterDimensional Return Be Praised).
In addition, we are excited to announce we have added WiFi to the fitness room. Stream away!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Residents,
Due to continued interest, we will hold an information session on August 19th in the social room on all-things Spronk and Ascension, led by our own property manager and High Priestess of the Consecration, Caitlin.
Caitlin can also review the lease restrictions on early-move outs that some of you may have overlooked, judging from recent questions.
See you there!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Initiates,
Swing by the social room at 6:00 pm Friday for our Costume Party Charity Bash! Caitlin will select the winner in each costume category — Whitest Smock, Shaved-est Head, and Topical/Pop Culture.
You can also donate canned goods, non-smock clothing, or the entirety of your financial assets to a good cause (details forthcoming)! Donations can be directed to our philanthropy coordinator and Supreme Mystagogue of Galactic Enlightenment, Gary.
Thanks for your generosity!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Acolytes,
Just a couple friendly policy reminders!
First, remember we are a smoke free community.
Also, remember that we are a nosy investigative reporter free community! There was some confusion about this last week (looking at you, brother Dennis), but it has been addressed.
Have a wonderful evening!!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Adherents,
Fall is here, and so is our Autumn Raffle. We love the chance to show you our appreciation!
We encourage the most virile members of our community to drop off their headshots, SAT scores, and medical histories in the raffle bowl in the Hyper-Sanctum (formerly the “leasing office”). The lucky winners, as chosen by High Priestess Caitlin, will receive a starring role in the Blessed Fertilization Sacrament as well as a $25 Amazon gift card!
Get excited!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Spronklodites,
Please note the building will experience a water shutoff Friday at 10:00 am.
The shutoff will be permanent. Last night Spronk commanded Gary to ensure human Consecrants are cold, thirsty, and pungent.
Apologies for any inconvenience!
Hail Spronk,
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Consecrants,
Mark your calendars! The combination holiday party and Consecration ceremony will be midnight tomorrow, November 30th, on our newly open Ascension Platform!
This early date will let us avoid interfering with December travel plans, preclude mounting questions about that investigative reporter, and take advantage of Mercury’s auspicious proximity to Earth’s orbit.
There will be opening remarks from Gary and Caitlin, followed by free beverages! Well, one special beverage.
Attendance is mandatory.
See you there!
-The Metro Court Plaza team
Dear Residents,
We are thrilled to welcome our 742 new residents to the reopened and renamed Park Village Towers apartment community! Following last year’s regrettable events, the new management pledges to foster a trusting environment and to keep your best interests at heart.
Our maintenance crew has worked hard to clean up, but let James in the leasing office know if you find any stray crime scene tape, obsidian chunks, or Spronk viscera.
Finally, just a friendly reminder to update your payment settings via the online portal to reflect this year’s 25% rent increase.
Thanks!
-The Park Village Towers team
