Dear Valued Boyfriend, This Relationship Is Transitioning To A Subscription Model
We hope you enjoyed your free trial. Here’s what’s next.
Dear Valued Boyfriend,
I have some exciting news to share: This relationship is transitioning to a subscription model! I hope you enjoyed your free trial. Here’s what’s next:
What does this change mean for you?
As of December 1, it will cost $668 per month to continue accessing our relationship.
What can you expect from the new model?
Premium features: You’ll gain access to services that were previously unavailable, such as me pretending to care about MMA, and me agreeing to call you “the grill master” during sex.
Ad-free experience: I will stop hinting at getting engaged. (If you downgrade to our basic plan, engagement reminders will resume at eight-minute intervals.)
Enhanced privacy: I won’t tell your sister what you told me about your brother. And I won’t tell either of them what you like to do with corn cobs.
Exclusive content: I will aim not to sleep with the hot guy in Accounts.
Continuous improvements: Membership fees support critical ongoing product improvements, including Olaplex, gua sha facials and probably that RuPaul Masterclass.
Enhanced support: Our texting lines are open from 4–11pm nightly. You are guaranteed three unemotional responses per evening. The functionality of reading between the lines to figure out why we’re not married yet will be removed.
Bespoke in-law assistance: I will attend family events for up to six days annually without complaining to you about your mother. This feature has a requirement that I be allowed 90 minutes alone time per day to complain to a therapist about your mother.
Upgrade options: For an additional fee, you’ll get access to EXCLUSIVE EXTRAS, including:
a. Our blow job bundle (popular).
b. Our WWII documentary viewing package.
c. Our “You totally could” package, where I support your dream of becoming a pilot even though you’re a 38-year-old account manager with astigmatism.
d. Three complimentary likes of Instagram bikini model photos. Beyond this we will have a brand loyalty issue and the entire subscription may become void.
e. The option to send me to a period hut in the Catskills.
Thank you for being part of the community! I look forward to the next phase of our relationship, since getting married really doesn’t appear to be in scope. Please set up a direct debit model at your earliest convenience. After December 1 you will encounter a paywall in the form of my cousin Rocco.
Warm regards & all hail Morthor, the Dark Lord of Capitalism!
Girlfriend
Claire Haus is a comedian and writer based in London. She featured on ITV’s Stand Up Sketch Show and was a So You Think You’re Funny finalist. Time Out London named her one of the top four comics to follow online. Find her @clairehauscomedy and @dustycronuts.
