Democratic Leaders Revise Ocasio-Cortez’s Platform
Dear Alexandria,
Congratulations on your shocking win over our dear friend Joe Crowley. Although we don’t think your district is representative of the beige-and-cream melting pot that is Middle America, we love your energy and think you are just cute as a button!
That said, we do have some concerns about this platform of yours, the sheer clarity and morality of which gives us the vapors. Remember that to win a general election, one must engage the broadest possible swath of geriatric white people. They/we are easily startled by words like “socialism,” “jobs guarantee,” and “women’s rights.” What about men’s rights? We have an array of genders in our party, and we don’t want to exclude anyone.
With that in mind, we offer these gentle feedback suggestions to your platform in order to maximize its appeal.
Thanks in advance for toning it down,
Chuck, Nance & ‘The Gang’
Abolish ICE → Abolish ice
The last time a progressive leader threw around the word “abolition,” it turned into a whole kerfuffle. Ever since, people have felt uneasy about getting rid of government institutions that keep, uh, traditional Americans on top.
Instead of abolishing ICE, how about we abolish ice? It’s cold, it’s hard, now it’s melting, man, you can’t trust ice. (Solid, liquid, and gas? Get off the fence, water!) We think this policy would play really well in Minnesota and Wisconsin.
Support LGBTQIA+ → Pro-Lifestyle
Unfamiliar letters can be frightening, and the ones you’ve jammed together here — which, we totally know what they mean, ha-ha, duh, so obvious, especially the plus — may confuse and anger blue collar voters who can’t decipher your Millennial da Vinci code.
Instead, how about we go with Pro-Lifestyle? Sexuality is a kind of lifestyle, maybe, but so is religion. And if some guy in Ohio misreads this bullet as “Pro-Life,” well, all the better. By endorsing all lifestyles, we can have our cake and eat it too (as long as we’re not at a gay wedding).
P.S.I read an interesting article on my iPad about the divisiveness of identity politics. Will explain next time I see you. — Chuck
Oh Chuck, I’ll just print it out for her. — Nance
Support Seniors :-)
Now this one we like! Maybe just include more specifics on how we can help older folks who are feeling left behind or threatened by young upstart politicians from the 14th Congressional District in New York who are too principled and intelligent and driven to need the older folks’ money or machinery or advice. For example.
Mobilizing Against Climate Change → Idling Against Climate Change
“Mobilizing” is a bit of a trigger for those of us who lived through the ’60s and ’70s (no offense!), which frankly were exhausting. It’s only been 50 years since we achieved meaningful environmental and civil rights laws: Are people really up for galvanizing again so soon?
The Trump administration’s dismantling of the EPA is of course a travesty. But what if we continued to idle against climate change? That still implies a sort of steadfastness, a refusal to move backward (or, ok, forward), but not in a scary march-on-Washington, save-the-world kind of way.
Solidarity with Puerto Rico → Solidarity with America
Most of the heartland doesn’t realize Puerto Rico is part of America, so this is another way that we can pander to all sides without taking an actual stance.
(How is Puerto Rico doing, by the way? We always forget it’s down there!)
Clean Campaign Finance ← CUT THIS
Watch it, Sandy.
