Did We Mention You Can Only Cancel Your MoviePass Subscription When You’re Dead?
Well, kind of. Didn’t you read your terms of service agreement?
Remember us? You thought you canceled us months ago, and then you saw the $9.95 charge on your monthly credit card statement, like a ghost from our favorite ghost movie, Ghost.
If you want to cancel your MoviePass subscription for some unfathomable reason, it couldn’t be easier. Just follow these 20 simple steps.
- Open your MoviePass app on the third Sunday of July, sometime between the hours of two and three am GST.
- When you don’t remember your password — which you inevitably won’t, since it’s been months since you actually used MoviePass, request that your password be faxed to you (we don’t email temporary passwords, for security reasons).
- Find a fax machine.
- Google how to use a fax machine.
- Once you receive the fax with your temporary password, enter the temporary password into the MoviePass app on your mobile device.
- This will trigger an impromptu game of movie themed-HQ Trivia, another app that is totally not losing users. If you win, we’ll let you cancel your MoviePass subscription.
- Lose HQ Trivia game because there is no right answer to questions like “why does Scott Rogowsky think he’s better than us now when we MADE his career?”
- Angrily tweet at us, and wait in fear/hope for our snarky response.
- We don’t respond.
- Fast forward two and a half years. You’ve moved on, forgotten about us. Maybe you’ve even started a family. You don’t have time to actually go to the theater anymore, but we couldn’t care less. One day your partner is reviewing your joint credit card statements when she/he says: “MoviePass? You’re still paying for this? I thought they went out of business years ago?”
- Freeze. How to justify this to your partner? You don’t care about canceling anymore, not really, but you feel compelled to give it the old college try. You open the MoviePass app.
- There isn’t even anywhere to log in on the app. As you’re staring at it, puzzling, the app suddenly turns into a mirror, and you’re looking at yourself and the choices you’ve made over the course of your lifetime that have led to this moment. Why did you even sign up for MoviePass in the first place? They said it was too good to be true — AND THEY WERE RIGHT.
- Weep. Your partner returns to the room to alternately berate and comfort you. MoviePass is forgotten.
- Fast forward 15 more years. It’s time to send your oldest child off to college. You and your partner have scrimped and saved for years, eating ramen out of mugs, to be able to afford your child’s college tuition in full. But after you crunch the numbers, and crunch them even harder, a
terrifying realization hits you: you’re $2,400 short, which is the exact amount of money you’ve spent on MoviePass in the last 20 years.
- Open the app one last time — except it’s not an app anymore, it’s a chip inside your brain, because this is the future. A recorded message tells you that MoviePass has been out of business since 2020. Which you should have guessed, because people don’t even watch movies anymore, they watch simulations of their future selves. You collapse onto the floor in
- Fast forward 20 more years. Your child is nearing 40 and still living with you, because she never was able to go to college. You’ve become obsessed with MoviePass as you’ve grown older, and most nights your daughter finds you wandering the halls, mumbling about how you
should have just canceled your credit card back when this all started.
- You die.
- The morning after your funeral, your daughter attempts to cancel your MoviePass account, only to be told that MoviePass has been a figment of your imagination this whole time.
- The next month, she sees a mysterious $9.95 charge on her account, which recurs every month for the rest of her life.