Disney Villains If They Practiced Self Care

Olivia Olson
Feb 6 · 3 min read
The Queen in “Snow White” (Disney — Fair Use)

The Queen in Snow White

The Queen dusts off her old talking mirror and asks it to name the fairest woman in the land. It’s sort of a loaded question, she knows, but she’s recently been ghosted by the huntsman and needs a shot in the arm. The mirror rudely shows some younger woman, and the Queen observes an unattractive rush of jealousy flowing through her body. After a long meditation followed by some joyful movement to a Spotify playlist of Lizzo music, the Queen remembers she’s an mfin’ queen and is pretty much over it. She re-gifts Snow White a Henry & David fruit basket and puts the mirror in storage.

Ursula

A natural introvert, Ursula spent her 20s gardening, honing her witchcraft, and making lengthy YouTube makeup and lifestyle tutorials to great acclaim. Now, it seems like mer-creatures are swimming out of the woodwork asking for help. Before she knows it, she’s stretched so thin she’s resentful of everyone and is shocked to find herself vengefully turning others into seaweed. One morning she stumbles across a Brene Brown TedTalk and feels like it was written just for her, and she vows to practice boundaries. When yet another plucky young princess comes to her cave to ask to be transformed, Ursula practices saying no. It’s as uncomfortable as she expected it would be, but she sits with the discomfort and assures herself that it will get easier with practice.

Maleficent

When Maleficent isn’t invited to a christening, her first instinct is to drink a bottle of white and crash. Her online therapist urges her to think this plan through and wonders if Maleficent’s disproportionate reaction to this snub isn’t an expression of her innate fear of loneliness. Maleficent has a eureka moment, realizing she’s truly afraid of having only her crow for company while all her friends get married and have kids. She reaches out to some other child-free peers and they all meet for brunch where she gets tipsy on mimosas and mildly subtweets about being glad she can go out without being pelted by Paw Patrol figurines. She feels bad about it, but as her therapist reminds her, she’s striving for improvement, not perfection.

Gaston

After waking up for the umpteenth time disoriented and dehydrated on the front stoop of the local pub, Gaston decides to participate in Sober October with a bunch of work friends. The first few days are difficult, but his rugged individualism and toxic masculinity work in his favor for once — he refuses to give in to weakness and quit. On the eighth day, he wakes up feeling refreshed, and the constant pounding behind his left eye has miraculously disappeared. On the eleventh day, he finds he craves whole, fresh vegetables rather than the mug of raw eggs he usually favors. Before long, he’s over the pub scene entirely and dedicates his life to clean eating. Eager to maintain a social life, though, he invites his friends over to test his new risotto recipe — he’s never hosted before, but now that he’s keeping promises to himself, he feels more confident stepping out of his comfort zone.

Cruella De Vil

At her annual physical, Cruella’s primary care physician gives her a real wake up call: quit smoking or start planning to whom she will bequeath all her fabulous furs. She goes on Chantix and hopes for the best. Immediately she begins experiencing side effects, particularly vivid nightmares and dry mouth. The dry mouth is whatever, but the dreams really shake her up. One night, she dreams a giant Dalmatian is chasing her so it can wear her skin as a coat. Pretty on the nose, but it has an effect. She turns her popular Instagram account into a vegan content machine beloved by animal advocates the world over. At her six month check up, her doctor recommends incorporating eggs into her diet for an added source of protein — she’s afraid of disappointing her fans, and indeed is immediately cancelled by her vegan followers, but she decides her health is more important than her brand and leans into this nuance.


Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Olivia Olson

Written by

I’m a writer and librarian in metro Detroit. Check out my list of publications at oliviaeolson.com.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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