Does Someone You Know Suffer From Golfism?
Just as we rarely devote ourselves to the study of irritable bowel syndrome or chronic flatulence, we likewise avert our attention from Golfism. But it’s time we faced up to the fact that this silent epidemic has become the Number One killer of intimate relationships.
Chances are, it’s already spread into your social circle.
If you’re worried that someone you know may be suffering from Golfism, the following is a list of give-away symptoms that can help you diagnose them before calling in professional help.
· The person has adopted a nickname related to golf, such as Chip or Chipper, Five-Iron, Pete the Putt, Birdie, Eagle, Slice, Bogie, or (for the incontinent golfist) Water Hazard.
· The person talks incessantly about golf even during sexual intimacy. Penetration and rapid ejaculation thereafter will be referred to as “a hole in one” and the keen golfist will be proud of finishing in as few strokes as possible.
· The person will fantasize about a newer and more expensive set of golf bats despite not being able to control the golf bats they currently own.
· The person will obsessively purchase items of clothing such as golfist gloves, golfist shoes, golfist pants, and certain deeply unfashionable types of upper body garment in the belief that this will make them more able to propel small white balls intentionally towards some desired point in the distance.
· The person will watch golf on television. This is akin to watching fungus growing, except without the element of excitement.
· The person will genuinely believe that driving around in an electric cart over manicured lawns counts as strenuous exercise and will regard themselves as an Olympic athlete.
· The person will most likely have (i) a very soft belly, (ii) a very bad back, and (iii) someone else to carry their bag of golf bats.
· The person will practice their golfism indoors by attempting to knock little white balls into glass tumblers placed on the floor.
· The person will talk endlessly about the (one) time they managed to get a little white ball from the starting line to somewhere in the vicinity of a hole in the ground.
· The person will appear prematurely aged, even if they are only in their late twenties.
· The person will drink whiskey on the rocks but will begin to tremble with violent enthusiasm whenever anyone else says the word tea.
The causes of golfism are not yet fully understood, and attempts to create a vaccine have so far failed to bear fruit. There are however some known risk factors. These include:
· Being a salesperson.
· Former or current membership in a college fraternity.
· Wishing they had former or current membership in a college fraternity.
· An overwhelming desire to grip a long-lasting hard shaft despite a personal inability to generate a long-lasting hard shaft.
· Enjoyment derived from holding and fondling small white balls.
Of course, we all hope that one day a better understanding of Golfism will mean that treatments for the malady may be developed. Today, however, we can only acknowledge with sadness and resignation the fact that this terrible disease can strike those we love almost without warning. We must all do our part to ensure our loved ones wash their hands frequently and don’t expose themselves to known golfist locations.
Remember: friends don’t let friends play golf.