Donald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there’s gum in my hair and when I tried to pull the gum out my hair came off and Melania laughed at me and I said “remember who paid for that smile, Melania” and then I noticed the portrait of George Washington that hangs over my bed was rolling his eyes at me and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At breakfast Vice President Pence found a pink elephant in his breakfast cereal but he said he couldn’t keep it because he didn’t want to feel any impure thoughts towards a female he wasn’t married to and he threw it in the trash and I asked the Secret Servants where the toy in my breakfast cereal was and they said I fired the last Secret Servant people who put an elephant in my breakfast cereal because I thought they were sending a message about my decision to allow great Americans like my son to hunt elephants. Then I got mad and fired them too.

In the limo on the way to the golf course, Jeff Sessions and Tiger Woods both got seats by the window. I was stuck in the middle and I was smashed. I asked why I couldn’t sit by the window and the new Secret Servants said last time I sat by the window I stuck my head out and yelled “hey dummies, I’m in here with Vladimir Putin and we’re doing some collusion! NOT!” and so I’m not allowed to sit by the window anymore. If I lived in Russia and someone told me not to sit somewhere, I would make him disappear. I wish I lived in Russia.

At the golf course, the servants put my tee one hundred feet closer to the hole than Tiger’s and Tiger still got his first drive closer than I did and so then I yelled “hey Tiger, cheat again and I’ll start swinging this golf club at you like your ex-wife did when you cheated on her! Ha!” and then he got mad and wanted to leave which was very, very ungrateful and I said “fine, leave if you feel like it but this limo is going to take you straight to China and the driver will tell them you’re LaVar Ball!”

I got bored of Tiger Woods who is only the 200th best golfer of all time and tried to call my daughter Ivanka but that idiot Siri can’t understand normal American English so she called Ivana, who thought I wanted to talk about her book and how great it is, but I laughed and said, “you’re looking even older and uglier, I can even hear it through the phone! And your book is selling way less than all of my books combined!”

I was so mad at Siri for not understanding me so I asked one of the Secret Servants to call Ivanka and then things got even worse because she was just a real bummer. She said, “Daddy, this Roy Moore thing is pretty bad, and I think it’s hurting sales.” And I said, “do you think I care about your sales? You wouldn’t have any sales if not for me. And which one was Roy Moore again?”

And then she started saying that he had molested children but I had already gotten tired of her talking about things that didn’t affect me and everyone wanting me to solve their problems and I said to myself, “I sure would like to move to Russia.”

On the way back from the golf course I turned on the tv in my limo and there was a football game on and all of the players aren’t white yet which made me mad. Then I turned on Google to check my approval ratings but Jeff Sessions appeared over my shoulder because apparently he had forgotten to get out at the golf course and had been in the limo the whole time. He said he wanted to help me and then he motioned to the Secret Servants and they wrote a big 95% on a poster board and I felt a little better.

Then I asked to hear all my other good press and everyone was quiet because there was so much to choose from and they said Barstool Sports posted a video of Malia Obama blowing smoke rings and I said, “which one is Barstool Sports” and they said, “it’s the one founded by the guy who jokes about assaulting women,” and I said, “that’s right! I knew I liked them.”

But the Secret Servants didn’t have any more good news for me so we called Sarah Sanders and she answered the phone and told us that she was baking a pie and trying to spend time with her family and I said “you should have thought of that before you took this job,” and she said, “well, TIME magazine called,” and I said, “yes, I’m man of the year,” and she said, “actually, they were checking to see if you wanted to renew your subscription, and they also asked you to stop making fake magazine covers.”

I hung up on her and then tweeted about how TIME magazine wanted me to be man of the year but I turned them down. If I lived in Russia I would tell TIME magazine what to print and this wouldn’t have been an issue.

Then I got home and told Melania to draw me a warm bath and I sat on the bed in my robe for half an hour while she was in the bathroom and then she came out holding a drawing of a bathtub and I was so mad that I ripped it into a trillion tiny pieces. I didn’t even want a bath anymore but I didn’t want to put on pants either so I stayed in my bathrobe and told everyone I was too busy to meet with them and when Paul Ryan asked to meet about the tax bill and said it wasn’t looking good I said, “like your wife” and told him to fix it or else.

And then I ordered a steak but it was too underdone so I wouldn’t eat it and ate nine pudding cups instead. And then I saw that failing TIME magazine had called me a liar and if there’s anything I hate more than liars it’s when someone calls me one. So I called Jeff Sessions and asked if we could prosecute TIME magazine for calling me a liar and he said he’d get back to me on that one.

I called Ivanka and told her it has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Ivanka says some days are like that.

Even in Russia.