Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls, Please Stick To The Introverted And Reclusive Lifestyle That You’re Now Used To After A Few Years Of Covid
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to bathing once every three days that you’re now used to / I know you’re gonna have it your way or nothing at all / But I think you’re moving too fast when it comes to anything resembling a connection to the outside world / So let’s just stick to nothing at all while stinking it up at home
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to the same basketball shorts that you’re used to wearing everyday even though you don’t play basketball and rarely present yourself in public / So “pants” and “appearance” and “self-worth” don’t really matter anymore / But avoiding phone calls, small talk and medium-sized gatherings couldn’t matter more / Oh, and you’re on Xanax now
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to ordering virtually every meal on DoorDash / Pushing the earthly limits of how lazy and alone you can grow/ Paralyzed in so much convenience that you begin ordering everything online / And we’re talking everything / A second pair of basketball shorts, stackable tupperware, snakes / Boycotting the very notion of physically entering a space where goods and services are procured / Not to mention the psychopaths asking “How are you doing?” right in your face
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to debunking “No man is an island” by officially transforming your body into an island / Yes, an independent self-governing body with a mote of emotionally impenetrable walls around you / You fill out the paperwork and everything / But then there’s a little hiccup because you have to physically mail in the form /And that means walking to the mailbox / Which is Russian roulette for running into your apartment manager Debbie / And no government sanctioning is worth that
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to overdoing it with the chorus of this song / Much like the bruising repetition of your life / Spent inside an apartment that you treat like an underground speakeasy called Island Fever / Where speaking to others is not easy, it’s forbidden / So you just talk to yourself and add in some soft humming / Then let the voices in your head come in as the backup singers / And no one’s allowed inside except the backup singers and your gaggle of inner demons
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to your closest circle of friends / Your best buddies who are handmade puppets named Limpy and Dr. Bravo / A new act you hired at the speakeasy / Capable of performing the exact dance routine from the mid-90s R&B music video by TLC / A cautionary tale about the dangers of street drugs and sexually transmitted HIV / But more broadly speaking, about the benefits of faking your own death to get out of a fun dinner party with your neighbors / Or in other words, it pays to play it safe, which is good because DoorDash is expensive / Isn’t that right Dr. Bravo?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to your self-run prison after the speakeasy was overrun by demons and Xanax / Serving a three-year sentence away from meaningful relationships, natural light and bipedal movement / But one day you talk back to the guards / And they throw you in the hole / So there you are, with your basketball shorts and your puppets / Scheming up an elaborate plan to escape drinks with your coworkers this coming Thursday / And you don’t care that this song isn’t rhyming / You have a prison to run
Don’t go chasing waterfalls / Please stick to the mandatory work function where you drown in a pool of social anxiety and die of awkwardness and become a ghost / But not a friendly ghost / You’re the lone ranger ghost who fights off haunted hoedowns with shotgun excuses and unnatural moaning / Ghosting text messages from deep within an infernal dungeon / Eternally separated from wedding receptions, hygiene and Debbie / Marooned miles beneath the speakeasy and the prison /And it’s hot as hell down there / And you’re totally alone with your phone on silent / And it’s heaven
