Don’t Ruin Your Life With A Job At The White House: Just Say No
Say yes to your life. And when it comes to a job at the White House, just say no.
“Jen Psaki, the White House press secretary, confirmed that five staff members had lost their jobs because they used marijuana in the past.”
— The New York Times
There’s a disturbing phenomenon taking shape across America. Our country’s best, brightest, and brown-nosiest youth have been rendered dull, bleary-eyed shadows of themselves, doing anything necessary to satisfy their degenerate craving. They’re taking jobs in the Biden administration.
Why would a person choose to engage in such risky behavior? The truth is people do it for a lot of reasons. Peer pressure. Low self-esteem. A need to not rebel. Whatever the reason, it’s a dark path that leads to nothing but despair and Harvard Kennedy School fellowships.
Not convinced? Just listen to this story I recently heard from one heartbroken former friend:
There was once a promising young layabout by the name of Jen. She used to be able to hang. Her vibes were absolutely unmatched. She had seen Tame Impala in concert. Twice. But then at one fateful election night party, she was offered a job in the administration by a friend, a friend who she thought she could trust. All it took was one press briefing, and she was hooked.
And just look at her now. She probably couldn’t rip a gravity bong if she tried.
Skeptical people often say to me, “What’s so bad about working in the White House? Wouldn’t it be great for my career?” To those people I say this: would it really be worth it? Think about everything you have to lose. Are you really willing to risk your health by working 14-hour days, subsisting entirely on a diet of stale coffee and the Werther’s Originals that fall out of Biden’s pockets? Are you ready to lose all contact with your friends and family, just for the sake of satisfying your “fix” for Sorkin-esque banter and walk and talks?
Are you prepared to watch Planet Earth sober?
This all might sound very frightening, but you haven’t even heard the half of it. Consider the ethical implications of supporting a regime that has caused so much human suffering. Think about the innocent people in the developing world whose lives have been ruined, all for you to be the third wheel between Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski. Take just one moment to consider the innocent tokers whose lives have been torn asunder just for you to one day seamlessly transition into strategic consulting for ride-sharing apps.
And good luck trying to eat marshmallow Peeps and watch cartoons until 4:00 am with these new “friends” of yours. They’ll be too busy reforming their filibusters and rhythmically chanting the phrase “budget reconciliation.” Does that sound fun to you?
To any young people listening right now: there’s a big, wonderful world out there just waiting for you to light one up. Our nation’s city parks and empty playgrounds belong to you. Don’t cheat yourself out of this promise for a dank (bad kind) cubicle in the basement of the West Wing. Too many buzzes have already been harshed.
So the next time you find yourself at a Washington, D.C. happy hour, and the oldest-looking 35-year-old you’ve ever seen says that there’s an opening for a deputy special assistant to the interim chief of protocol, you should know what to do.
Do it for the sake of your loved ones. Do it for the sake of your community. Do it for the sake of that one dealer you know who is probably incapable of functioning at any other job.
Say yes to your life. And when it comes to a job at the White House, just say no.
