Don’t Worry, My Son’s Under-10 MMA League Is Perfectly Safe
Look, Mrs. Cooper, I assure you there are rules that make youth MMA perfectly kid-friendly. No throat attacks. Eye gouges are discouraged. Guillotine Chokes must be done underhandedly. The list goes on. Kidney strikes aren’t allowed until the under-12 league. Okay, that’s the list.
Yes, I understand that you asked me to meet with you in class today because my son Jake has been a little… disruptive, but youth MMA is absolutely not violent; ‘mixed martial arts’ actually comes from the Mongolian word for ‘defense.’ It’s more about control, you know? For instance, when performing an Anaconda Choke…
I’m sorry, what did you say, Mrs. Cooper? Oh! That’s a move where you wrap one hand around your opponent’s windpipe…
The other hand? Well, you sort of just repeatedly punch them with the other hand. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that MMA is less about attacking and more about controlling your opponent’s movement and respiration.
I understand your concerns, but I didn’t sign Jake up just because he showed an early penchant for no holds barred combat, I did so because youth MMA can help develop life-long skills. He’s learned how to deal with failure. One time, Jake lost a fight after his opponent got him with a Joint Conflagorator, and he could not stop crying. But then his sensei (that’s the nickname he gave to his Filipino coach) took him aside and explained to him the importance of learning from defeat, and there was no need to shriek or puke blood just because he was ashamed of losing.
Youth MMA has also taught him the value of perseverance. I remember when he was just starting out as a four-year-old, he would struggle with executing basic arm locks and Peruvian Necktie Strikes on our family dog. But after years of diligent training, he can now do technical Liver Extraction Punctures and Crocodile Dislocation Chokes upon even the mildest provocation.
Mrs. Cooper, I don’t believe I’m missing the point of why we had this meeting today. No, I really do understand — Jake’s behavior is unacceptable.
Well, to be fair, Jake isn’t quite choking him, he’s just got him in what’s called a Crucifixion Execution Stingray Grapple.
No, I don’t think he will listen to me. He usually tuckers himself out all on his own. But I can try, if you’d like. Jake! Let him go! Jake! Jake “Skullcrusher” Roberts, don’t make me come over there!
See Mrs. Cooper, he doesn’t really respond to me. No, I don’t think his entourage can stop him, either. I’d tell them to wait outside. Maybe ask his classmate to try tapping out? Then I think he’ll let him go. Okay, there, he’s gone ahead and done the finisher.
Yes, Mrs. Cooper. I’ll make sure Jake apologizes when his classmate regains consciousness. Yes, I’m very sorry. Yes, I’ll make sure he turns in his hand turkey tomorrow. I’m sorry for the trouble, and Jake is too.
No! Jake, don’t do that to your teacher! I’m so sorry, Mrs. Cooper, he’s just over-enthusiastic today.
Well, he didn’t quite punch you, that’s a move called a Gut Degloving Flying Cobra Uppercut. It’s muay Thai, actually.
