I’m The Effervescent Creature Who Writes The Promises Quotes For Dove Chocolate And I’m Answering Your Questions

Burning questions from my scorching fans.

Sam Woods
Sam Woods
Nov 28, 2020 · 4 min read
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Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Hey y’alls!

It’s Theo again. I’ve been getting a lot of fan-mail, so I thought I’d make some headway on your Q’s with some A’s! For newcomers, a bit about me: I love river stones, writing Dove’s Promises quotes (uh, duh!), and counting my happy days.

Q: “Where do you find your inspiration?” — Becky, Utah

A: Everywhere: in my rose garden, burrowing under the earth with moles, and in my childhood traumas. My mom used to toss me into the dryer and threaten to start it if I didn’t “clean my fuckin’ room.” That event inspired the quote: “It’s definitely a bubble bath day!”

Q: “Your wisdom seems bottomless. What’s your background? Love your PROMISES!” — Quincy, Idaho

A: I’m from Council Bluffs, Iowa, born and raised. They say Council Bluffs is Omaha’s armpit, but I like to think of it as the knee-pit. Sweaty, yes, but also cozy, familiar, and full of casinos — Dad loved Harrah’s. Maybe a bit too much, lols! I remember when he dressed me up as a “little man” and gave me a mustache and mom’s pantsuit to smuggle me in. Dad went hard at Blackjack (hit me!) until the A.M. If given the chance to see your father mourn the loss of his mortgage before breakfast, opt-out! That little occasion inspired the quote: “Learn something new about a loved one.”

Q: “Your Dove PROMISES quotes calm me down on the daily. Where do you find your peace?” — Les, Maine

A: I used to find a lot of peace in my pets. My family had a one-eyed chihuahua named Mila, and she was my best friend. One day, she ran away. While I was crying in my bedroom, my older brother Stewart came in and told me that the family had kicked her out of the house to punish me for not eating my refried beans at dinner. That inspired the quote: “Get lost on purpose.”

Q: “What’s your favorite kind of chocolate?” — Susanne, Nebraska

A: Mmm, ruby chocolate! Ever heard of it? It’s tart and sweet and smooth and berries. This Swiss redheaded snack child took the world by storm in 2017, and also it reminds me of my dad’s lady friend Sabrina. When Dad left Mom, he was real sad. But then Sabrina came into the picture. She was mean to my brother but she once tousled my hair and called me “bud,” and I never forgot it. So, naturally, ruby chocolate and I were a fit! Yum-yum!

Q: “You project so much positivity in your work. Does that reflect your upbringing?” — Yuri, Michigan

A: Childhood SparkNotes: my best friends were spiders, dad taught me how to ride a chopper when I was twelve, and my siblings force-fed me raw, dry spaghetti. It was stormy, but inspired a lot of my early work, like the PROMISES quote: “When you’re legally emancipated in the eyes of the state, you realize the nest you left was never a nest at all.”

Q: “What are your favorite PROMISES and where did they come from?” — Joel, Mass.

A: Of my published canon, these are my favorites:

“Don’t settle for a spark, light a fire instead.” After a heated argument with Dad about eggplant parmesan — or the lack thereof — Mom set the house on fire. She used accelerants, cut the phone lines, and made sure the insurance policy was maxed out! Rude? Yes. Thorough? Also yes.

“Hold hands firmly, hearts gently.” I used to watch M*A*S*H in the parlor to drown out my parent’s angry lovemaking. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I pretend I’m an organ being cradled by Alan Alda; his nimble hands, strong — yet soft — precise and nurturing, like a Thai masseuse.

Lastly, “Hug the sunlight.” My family’s Love Language isn’t “Physical Touch,” so where could I find loving contact? Mother nature is mommy now! Photosynthesize her love with sunbeams to simulate a mother’s warmth and tree bark for dad’s calloused, cold hands.

That’s all! I hope your lives are filled with fondue fountains, a loving family, and well-cooked, slippery noodles!

Until next time,
T ❤

Note: Theo McMannis is the only contributor for Dove’s PROMISES. Any thoughts and feelings are his own and do not represent those of Mars, Inc.

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Thanks to Alex Baia

Sam Woods

Written by

Sam Woods

Writer: McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, The Junction, and The Bigger Picture. Based in Los Angeles. samwoods.net

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Sam Woods

Written by

Sam Woods

Writer: McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, The Junction, and The Bigger Picture. Based in Los Angeles. samwoods.net

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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