Drunk Texts Between Church and State

Patty Terhune
Dec 22, 2018 · 2 min read

Church (2:45 am): U probably don’t want me to make a big deal about it but thanks for everything u have been doing for me recently. I know we have had our ups and downs but honestly u r so much a part of me and I am so much a part of you. U even altered the rules of your body so I could be engaging in far more political activity. I can’t imagine my existence without u

State (2:47 am): Listen, I don’t think it’s great for us to talk. I’ve kind of got a lot of stuff going on and we agreed that we were going to really give this separation a solid try this time

State (2:48 am): I’m always looking out for u tho

Church (2:50 am): Ur just going to use me to justify your immigration policy and then ghost me?

Church (2:56 am): I care a lot about what u think but this is messed up

Church (3:00 am): I know u care about what I think too. Don’t even try to hide it. I saw u looking at me from across the room when Oklahoma’s House and Senate made it legal to discriminate against gay people adopting. You couldn’t take your eyes off of me.

State (3:20 am): I didn’t care. I just knew what u would think. I know u better than I know myself

Church (3:22 am): U didn’t care? Lol sure, I know you like what I got.

Church (3:26 am): How do u explain Louisiana supporting abortion restriction laws then? That is literally a page out of my fucking playbook.

Church (3:30 am): Don’t act like we haven’t fantasized about that, alone at night. High off the fumes of our love. I know u don’t believe we should really be separate.

State (3:34 am): Don’t do this to me.

Church (3:40 am): Fine, I’ll leave u alone. We can really be done for. Totally separate. I just want to hear it from u. How do u really feel about me?

State (3:50 am): You’re very special… I don’t even know if you know that, but you’re very special … You’re admired by everybody in this country. Even if they’re not believers, most of them admire what you’re doing. But maybe we’ll make them believers, right? We’re going to work. U want to cum over?


Medium humor. Large laughs.

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Medium humor. Large laughs.

Patty Terhune

Written by

Managing Editor at The Belladonna Comedy. Featured in The New York Times Loose Ends, New Yorker Daily Shouts, McSweeneys, and more.


Medium humor. Large laughs.

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