Go to the profile of Abigail Bessler
Abigail Bessler
Left: Simone Biles as a young gymnast, courtesy of NBC Olympics. Right: Me at a similar age.

Eight Ways In Which I Am Not Simone Biles

  1. No one has ever, nor will ever call me “The Greatest Gymnast in the World.”
  2. I briefly took gymnastics when I was five years old, but quit after a girl pushed me down a 1-foot-tall slanted foam wedge because I was taking too long.
  3. Although my dance moves are often also confined to a square space, the square is much smaller and it’s only in my head.
  4. I am fairly certain that I have never worked as hard as Simone Biles at anything.
  5. No one titles anything I do “The Bessler.” If someone were to title something I did “The Bessler” there’s a good chance “The Bessler” would be an action that was neither positive nor inspiring, like arriving late to a meeting because you had an allergic reaction to baklava.
  6. In reference to me, the phrase “all around” has never once been used as a noun. For example, here are some times “all around” has likely been used in a statement about me: “Abigail seems like an all around nice girl, although she laughs pretty loudly”; “Abigail is terrible at fitness, all around.”
  7. Sometimes when I’m alone in my room I pretend I’m an Olympian. I put my hands over my head, arch my back slightly and swivel in 90-degree increments like gymnasts do when they’re showing off after sticking a landing. I picture the applause, and I smile broadly. However, this is pretend, and I am not really an Olympian.
  8. I can’t do cartwheels.