Emily In Paris Gets An Internship With Our New Alien Overlords
They’ve just obliterated earth. Can Emily help them rebrand?
OMG you guys, how exciting is this! My name is Emily and I just got a social media marketing internship with our new alien overlords. And get this — I get to travel all the way to the Andromeda Galaxy!
Everyone remembers the day Earth was invaded by aliens. It was the highest trending topic on Twitter for like FIVE hours. Totally cray cray.
When it happened, I knew a new chapter of my life had begun. I’ll admit, at first it was hard for me to pack up and leave Paris. And I don’t mean emotionally, it was literally hard to leave — everything was on fire. Roads were ruined. Bridges had collapsed. Every Starbucks was closed. It was utter chaos.
It was a confusing time for me. I was disorientated. Unsure of everything. My thoughts were a mess. I couldn’t think straight. And then my downstairs neighbor Gabriel said, “Hey, wait. I think you have a concussion.” And sure enough, he was right. I’d been hit on the head by falling debris! Ha-ha!
Just when things between Gabriel and I were heating up, he left me. Well, he didn’t actually break up with me, he was carried away by radioactive cannibals in the middle of the night, but still. I was single and all alone. I joined a small outfit of other survivors and foraged for food. It was terrible. All we could find were Lunchables, and not even the good ones. The cheap crappy ones with crackers and cheese. There was no hope, no friendship, and no Pilates classes. FML.
So you can imagine my excitement when that internship fell into my lap. The alien invaders were looking to rebrand and they wanted a human perspective to help with their social media. And since I knew Microsoft Excel, I was hired (taken captive?) on the spot.
For real, like, not even joking, their culture is so weird. First of all, my office is 2.4 quadrillion miles from Paris, which meant I had to get a new SIM card.
I was shocked to discover they smoked inside their offices. Then I learned that wasn’t smoke; that was their actual bodies—because we were in the fifth dimension, they appeared in the form of round smoky blobs. Gosh, I’m such a ditz!
I didn’t even know we were in the fifth dimension. I guess that explains why none of my chargers fit into their outlets. LMAO.
The language barrier is tough. Because they don’t have mouths, they communicate by sending vibrations through my nostrils and it always makes me sneeze.
And these blobs are very sexual. Or at least I think they are. I can’t really tell. All I know is my boss, Grogo, keeps asking if he can smash my atoms. Ew!!
In my free time, I like exploring my new planet, XOI-875739495. I’m still trying to get used to the climate, especially the lava clouds. But at least I get to wear all my cute skirts!
I met my downstairs neighbor, Kugoo, and he’s so handsome. He’s the first smoky blog that I like. I know he has a girlfriend, because I hear them exchanging electrons every night. It makes me so jealous! I know it’s wrong, but I wish he’d travel through a wormhole with me.
To make matters worse, my boss Grogo is friends with Kugoo’s girlfriend, Bab-12. So if I make Kugoo’s girlfriend mad, she’ll tell my boss, and he’ll teleport me to another dimension. I really hope everything works out because, crazy as it sounds, I’m starting to like it here.
