Enjoy Your Flight Next To Me, The Worst Person On This Plane
Hey, seatmate! I see you’re getting out a book, but I really need your attention right now. I wanted to tell you I hope you have a great flight next to me, the worst person on this plane!
I try to make it obvious: the second I get on the plane, I hoist my carry-on above my head and hit as many people with it as I can. I brought a 96-pound anvil onboard in a suitcase, and it deserves a chance to crowdsurf. Plus, if the plane jostles at all, it’s primed to fall out when someone tries to get their jacket during the flight.
My anvil goes in the first open overhead bin I see. That way, it’s easily accessible on the way out, and the people who are actually seated in that row have to wait until the entire plane empties to get their carry-on from the back. By that time, I’m already off the plane, in the terminal, and first in line at Pinkberry.
I’m sure you’re wondering why my feet are exposed, and it’s because I took my shoes off as soon as I sat down. Socks too, because my feet were starting to sweat. They always start sweating for some reason right before I get in an argument with a flight attendant.
I just know she’s going to ask me to move back two rows because someone wants to sit by their four year old, and you know what I say to that? Absolutely not. They should…
