Escape From The Prison Of Unmet Potential: The Video Game!
From the makers of Zelda.
Trapped in a prison of your own making, you must battle guards, slay monsters, and defeat your greatest foe yet: your own crushing self-doubt. Follow this guide to complete each level and win the greatest prize of all — a golden key that unlocks freedom from society’s definition of success.
Level 1: Shakespearean Subterfuge
Fall to the ground and fake a seizure to lure over the prison guard. When he starts kicking you to check for signs of life, jump to your feet and enter Macbeth’s soliloquy from Act 5, Scene 5. You know, the one about how life is short and ultimately meaningless. While the guard ponders the meaning of life (or lack thereof), slide through the door and lock him inside. Note: extra lives are unlocked if you also enter Lady Macbeth’s speech about the importance of hand washing.
Level 2: Acing the Test
Traverse a dark and spooky corridor, beset on all sides by a zombie army of high school math teachers. Vanquish them by typing out the Fibonacci sequence and/or the first fifty digits of pi. At the end of the corridor lies a keypad that requires a numeric passcode. What could it be!? Why, it’s your SAT score! FYI, also entering your LSAT score will result in added strength as well as uncover long-buried trauma.
Level 3: Solving a Riddle
Enter a large cavernous area where a Sphinx lies in wait. It insists upon asking a riddle. The Sphinx’s expression remains inscrutable as it asks the following: “What has caused intense labor pains, yet to this day, remains unborn?” To level-up, enter any unfinished creative pursuit; however, note that entering your “great American novel” will imbue you with the power to double the size of your ego and shoot fireballs from your eyes.
Level 4: Evading Sea Monsters
You stand on a rocky landscape. The waters below teem with creatures with the faces of former classmates, all of whom have fulfilling multi-hyphenate careers. They also sport distressingly sharp teeth. Leap from one creature to the other to complete the level before dying from professional envy.
Level 5: Conquering Temptations
Jump into a skiff and set sail, as the hybrid human/sea creatures croon to you, tempting you to throw yourself overboard. They invite you to soirees with fascinating people, like Solange and the ghost of Amelia Earhart, but you resist. You have not forgotten about their sharp teeth. The fire balls would come in handy right about now.
You finally hit land where you must perform menial tasks to collect coins to Uber home. A mountain of unopened mail looms. The final challenge awaits: sort through the mail to locate the key that opens the door to your professional goals, while resisting the urge to click on any alumni newsletters.
Doing so would erase years of therapy and result in an immediate return to level one.