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Everything You Need To Know About Superheroes
Fascinating and true facts about our favorite on-screen warriors
Batman lives in a bat cave with his gay lover, Robin, and was disfigured by a bat so he has to wear a mask. I think he’s been experimenting with diuretics to give him that washboard ab look — evident through all his protective gear. The drugs are making his voice surly and dark and in his new movie he sounds like he’s had a tracheotomy and is still grumpy about it. Robin was like, “I’m out.” Now Batman is straight.
And hot.
Superman worked at a newspaper by day, as clerk Kent. I don’t know his last name. His superpower was that trick with the glasses where he put glasses on and no one recognized him. Cray! Anyway, he flew and stuff but I was most impressed with the glasses trick.
Plus, he’s hot.
Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider, which everyone already knows. I find his sticky hands super disturbing though. I live with men. I gotta say, ick. Use a tissue or a sock, man. Don’t be going out in public like that especially since you live in Times Square with all those people you touch for photos. Have some self-respect.
But, he’s hot.
