Excerpts From The Infancy Gospel Of My Preschooler
Woe is me, wretch that I am, I am confounded.
I. This little child was playing at a brook: and he gathered together the waters into mud: and he soiled the clean garment which was upon him: and then he soiled many other children. And it was the Sabbath when he did this.
II. And when the father saw that the child had so done, he arose and took hold upon his ear and wrung it sore. And the young child was wroth and said unto him: Verily thou hast done unwisely: vex me not.
III. Whereupon a certain preschool teacher stout of heart said unto the father: Come, deliver thine wilful child to me that he may learn. But the child looked upon her and asketh: Hath thou a babe in thy belly? And the teacher became crimson and she said unto the father: Take him away, I beseech thee: I cannot endure this.
IV. Now his mother sendeth the young child to draw milk for he hath complained of thirst: but he drew in mischief a bottle of Sonoma Coast Chardonnay that she was chilling for that evening: and he shattered it upon the kitchen floor. And when his mother saw what was done she said nothing: and she thought I am not able at this present hour to look him in the face.
V. And it came to pass, that the child had a quarrel against another and said unto him: Go lie with thyself. But when the parents of the other heard what was said, they were wroth. And they came unto the father, and blamed him, saying: Thou that hast such a child canst not dwell with us in this gated condominium community.
VI. Verily his father hath wasted wealth on a liberal arts degree from a small East Coast school. And when the people saw in his house such and so many boxes of an Ikea SVÄRTA Bunk Bed Frame, they were amazed: for the frame parts were many and they all looked alike. And straightaway the child took hold of a bag of plastic cam-lock nuts, and he flung it out the window: and he laughed greatly. And when his father saw what was done, he was wroth and said to them that were there: Woe is me, wretch that I am, I am confounded.
VII. And the young child increased in wisdom and stature and grace.
