Facebook Algorithm Upgrades

If you say “crushin’ it” in any post, your account is locked for 24 hours.

Just show friends’ posts, most recent first. Quit it with the “featured posts.”

Don’t suggest creating a “birthday event” for Wayne, your old high school classmate.

If you say “crushin’ it” in any post, your account is locked for 24 hours.

Wayne’s ungrammatical, ill-considered “rants” are converted from public posts to private journal entries.

Nasty political debate comments are auto-replaced with a diagram depicting the relative size of Earth in the Milky Way.

Humblebrags from Wayne’s girlfriend, Riley, about the Caribbean cruise she won from her multi-level-marketing #HustleLife are filtered out.

All memes captioned “share if you agree” are auto-replaced with a time-lapse video of a decaying human corpse.

99% of all posts are filtered out. The only updates you see are when a close friend posts an amusing pirate shanty.

The newsfeed is completely empty. If someone posts a status update or takes any action, Facebook says, “Thanks for sharing,” and ignores it. The acclaimed 1975 Brian Eno album “Another Green World” plays across the site.