Facebook Violated My Personal Information and My Trust
And Here I Thought Nobody Cared About Me!
We now know that Facebook’s data-gathering practices over the last several years have been unethical and intrusive. Not only this, but they sold access to this sensitive, highly personal information to advertisers all over the globe.
I just wish I knew sooner that somebody cared so deeply about my identity, preferences, and interests — because it’s downright flattering!
I mean, yeah, it’s an invasion of privacy or whatever, but don’t you think it’s interesting that they would want to keep tabs on little old me? Shucks, I sure seem like a boring, normal guy from the outside … but Facebook knows what I’ve always known: I’m a fascinating, amazing, and truly incredible person.
During the 2016 campaign, when I came across fascinating news articles like “Trump Courageously Admits That Hilary Was Wrong” or “How to Tell Your Parents About Your Secret Racist Lifestyle,” I didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary. But, now I know that morally bankrupt political organizations created that content to influence me toward their candidate, because I’m worth it after all!
Even my “friends” don’t keep up with my opinions on society and politics, but apparently Cambridge Analytica cares so much that they bought access to my data, then custom-engineered deceptive content just to connect with me on an emotional level. They really know how to make a guy feel special.
Every morning throughout the 2016 presidential race, I woke up feeling alone and unimportant. Boy, I could not have been more wrong! Facebook cared so deeply for me that they created a whole business around getting to know me and my life so they could sell that privileged information to other organizations who then actually paid money basically just to get introduced to me. I’m like a celebrity or something!
Wait, let’s just be realistic: is Facebook able to get a full picture of my unique life through cyber-espionage? Let’s not give them too much credit here, because that’s a high bar! I live a rich, full life (mostly from my bedroom, where I’m comfortable and safe).
But, for the purposes of science, let’s consider how might Facebook go about gathering intel on me. Well, there’s my Status Updates, where I post all my daily tasks, new ideas, meetings, meals, and constant whereabouts. There’s my Facebook mobile app, which I always carry with me so I can snap my #DailySelfie! I bet they can see me through my computer (that’s why I always leave my laptop open and positioned towards my good side).
Sometimes, I just mail Facebook headquarters hand-written notes where I share my non-verbalized thoughts and opinions, because I bet their mind reading technology is currently unreliable, at best.
These days, I walk with a spring in my step and my chin held high knowing that right now, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg is having to answer for his company’s crimes against democracy and public trust, and I was one of their illustrious, important targets. It’s a good thing that nothing bad is going to happen to Zuckerberg, what with all his piles of cash, because just knowing that he’s out there, lurking, watching, makes me feel special inside.
And what can we say about Cambridge Analytica? Those beautiful bastards knew full-well that they were involved in some incredibly illegal activity, that’s why they deleted all their communiqué with systematic efficiency. Communiqué that, we must assume, mentioned me! I bet they had whole meetings about that chicken pot pie recipe I posted back in August. It’s so easy and so much better than from a microwave, and definitely gives you a window into my creative personality.
So, let’s think carefully about how we, as a country, move forward after these revelations about social media, privacy, and political advertising. I don’t think that my fragile ego can afford to go without the intense scrutiny that large organizations place on my data, and the top-dollar that it fetches on the open market.
