Faculty Self-Assessment Highlights From That English Professor Who Teaches In A Tank Top And Flip-Flops

I dislike students and wish to avoid contact with them.

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Advising: Indicate the number of students you advise and outline your advising philosophy.

I advised one student during the review period, and I advised them to transfer to a better school as soon as possible.

Teaching Evaluations: Provide a narrative summary of student evaluations of instruction during the review period.

Many students complained about the difficulty of my classes, which is consistent with past surveys. I literally could not make them easier if I wanted to.

I have stopped recording attendance entirely. I don’t complain or confront students when they show up late reeking of booze or weed. I have eliminated due dates on most assignments. I give them all of the answers to quizzes and exams in advance, and they can retake until they are satisfied with their grade. I don’t know what else they want. Maybe tests with the answers already filled in so they can just write their name and hand them back. Jesus.

I was surprised to see a high score in ENG 3002 on item 1.4: “I was prepared for weekly course activities, with all assignments and reading…