FAQ: Booking Luxury On-Site Medical Care for Your Wedding
We at Wedding Solutions are proud to introduce our newest service, Medi!Wed. The successor to our popular Bridal!Bash IV Hydration Bar, Medi!Wed is 2019’s hottest way to avoid any unfortunate wedding-day incidents. Please refer to our frequently asked questions below for common inquiries about this revolutionary service.
Q. What is Medi!Wed?
A. Medi!Wed is an on-site medical concierge that provides compromised wedding guests with services ranging from wound sutures to exorcisms. More importantly, Medi!Wed staff are trained to defy the impersonal, sterile nature of medicine by harnessing their talents as former circus troupers. They can perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR), but they can also perform Chinese pole routines (CPR).
Q. Is this really necessary?
A. Yes. Your guests can’t remember your night to remember if they’re blackout drunk, or dead.
Q. Wait, why would someone die at my wedding?
A. Weddings carry several high-risk factors for premature expiration, including the presence of extremely old relatives, excessive cutlery, and vindictive spirits.
Q. Are Medi!Wed staff even doctors?
A. They aren’t doctors, but they are “doctors.”
Q. Why are you putting quotation marks around “doctors”?
A. While Medi!Wed staff are not legally considered MDs, they are trained in common physiological and emotional ailments, including, but not limited to: tequila poisoning, fork wounds, dance-induced hip dysplasia, predatory uncles, carpal Tinder syndrome, attempted strangulation, and gout.
Q. What if my venue doesn’t have space for a medical concierge?
A. We’ll set up outside, right behind the carousel.
Q. Um, we aren’t renting a carousel.
A. We bring our own, which has been mechanically altered to match the speed of a military-grade centrifuge. We’ll scramble your guests into the fifth dimension, then promptly administer Zofran to curb all projectile vomiting.
Q. Hang on, that sounds horrifying.
A. Is that a question?
Q. …Doesn’t that sound horrifying?
A. If you prefer, we can forgo the carousel and bring our rare animal petting zoo instead. Guests are sure to treasure their face time with unique species like Piper the Ploughshare Tortoise, Gertrude the Gooty Tarantula, and Marianne Williamson.
Q. Those aren’t your run-of-the-mill puppies and goats. What if the animals injure my guests?
A. All animal- and Marianne-induced injuries will be tended to in our state-of-the-art bedazzled bouncy house, where guests may administer their own rabies vaccines, and also huff paint.
Q. What if my guests injure an animal and accidentally contribute to the extinction of a rare breed?
A. We at Wedding Solutions are proud to support wildlife conservation, and therefore promptly taxidermy all animals and humans who die in our care. We use only high-quality, biodegradable polyurethane to create molds, and cleanse all carcasses with an eco-friendly wash made of whale sperm.
Q. Is this even legal?
A. No, not at all. In fact, we are in the midst of several lawsuits filed by the Federal Trade Commission, Humane Society, and fourteen states. However, we are confident that we will be able to appeal these cases indefinitely thanks to the unmatched expertise of our sister program, Wedding!Law. Wedding!Law: A full-service wedding concierge for all your post-wedding legal needs!
Q. THIS SOUNDS GREAT. How do I book?
A. Congratulations! To reserve our invaluable services, we require just one refundable deposit of $7,000, one non-refundable deposit of $22,000, and a quick and easy fourteen-page waiver signed and notarized by each of your wedding guests. Please note that guests who do not submit a completed waiver will be unable to attend your nuptials.
Q. I booked your services for my wedding and now all of my friends hate me and my family has disowned me. Can I have a refund?
A. No.
