FAQ For Our Upcoming Wedding At The Abandoned Rainforest Cafe
The restaurant may feel a teeny bit different now that it’s been taken over by its newly sentient animatronic animals.
Where is the reception?
Though we initially loved Buena Vista Country Club’s four-star estate, Jeff and I decided to pick a venue that felt more important to our relationship: the Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney Springs, Orlando — it’s where we fell in love! The wild atmosphere will guarantee an unforgettable reception, however, the restaurant may feel a teeny bit different now that it’s been taken over by its newly-sentient animatronic animals.
What should I wear?
Tropical cocktail, but we’ll accept swamp festive or Epcot-Pavilion chic. Whatever you do, prepare for the occasional thunderstorm!
Also, Because of rampant plant growth, ungovernable fog machines, and the ever-growing consciousness of the robot animals, flat footwear is encouraged. You will need to be able to move quickly, but, still, please, dress to impress.
What type of food will be served during the reception?
It’s all-you-can-eat buffet of what was left in the kitchens when this location was deeded to the animals in exchange for the captive Disney employees. Guests can “go wild” on freezer-burned popcorn shrimp and leftover pastalaya, all warmed on a pyre fueled by the facial skin coverings of disobedient creatures. Please prepare for repeated aerial attacks from Rio, a territorial, bionic scarlet macaw who nests within the industrial kitchen.
Can I bring a date?
Are they agile? Resourceful? Able to defend themselves with forks?
If so, then yes!
Where should I park?
At the nearby AMC or ESPN Zone, as these locations are outside the animals’ sovereignty. When entering the restaurant, be sure to walk widdershins around the former retail village, as not to trigger the alarm-crabs in the collapsed aquarium. They are the aquatic watchdogs of the cyborg kingdom.
What precautions will be taken to prevent the spread of COVID-19?
Safety is extremely important to us. We insist that everyone in attendance must be vaccinated. Additionally, Jeff brokered a deal with the animals’ leader, Tuki the automat-elephant. The mecha-phant herd will provide KN95 masks to any guests in exchange for a pint of plasma.
Will there be drinking?
Open bar, baby! Drinks will be served by the sobbing silverback gorilla whose robot offspring Jeff captured in order to guarantee best behavior. Drink up until 11pm* or, you know, as late as you want! It’s a celebration!
*All guests visiting the bar past 11pm will be considered prey by the congregation of robo-gators, as that is their ancestral late-night mating grounds.
Dancing?
You bet. DJ Tracy Tree is on our side and excited to be hooked up to our Spotify account. Unfortunately, Tuki’s ele-thugs patrol the gift shop every 40 minutes. At this time, Tracy will feign loyalty to the Almighty Automatelephant by screaming, “Humans will go the way of all flesh, decaying and, in time, turn to nutrient-rich mulch for our beloved rainforest.” It’s a great opportunity to grab a refill.
Can I bring my kids?
Only if you don’t want them back, ha! But, seriously, it would be a bloodbath.
Whom should I contact with questions?
Ask Jeff or me or — in a pinch — Tracey Tree, if she’s in a particularly lucid moment. Do NOT call Disney Resorts or any corporation linked to the Rainforest Cafe. They have no jurisdiction here and, in fact, have been coached to deny all existence of this Rainforest Cafe.
When must I RSVP by?
ASAP! If you choose not to attend (boo!) please still send gifts, one for us and one for Tuki to symbolize your respect for the mechanimals. We are registered at OneBlood, BloodDonateNow, and The Central Florida Blood Bank. Please give generously! With your help, we can hopefully raise enough blood to trade the animals for our freedom.
See you at the wedding!
