FAQs From The Hogwarts Prospectus
Does the school have a uniform policy?
Yes we do. An appropriate set of school robes can be purchased on Diagon Alley.
How much will it cost for my children to attend?
We firmly believe that all children should have access to a free magical education at Hogwarts. The Ministry of Magic ensures that the school is fully equipped with whatever educational supplies a student might ever need.
That’s impressive. Like iPads?
Nope! We are well aware such things exist, but we’ve committed to a very specific “candles and quills” aesthetic and frankly are in too deep to go back.
How are the students organised at the school?
Good question. On their first day, children are allocated into a House. There are four Houses, and children are sorted into whichever best fits their personality type: normal, conceited swot, middling blob of nothingness, or conniving deviant.
Didn’t Harry Potter go here?
He did indeed! Here at Hogwarts we pride ourselves on the many accomplishments of our countless distinguished alumni.
Didn’t Lord Voldemort also attend the school?
That creep? Well, when you put it like that, I guess he technically did “attend” the “school.” Don’t Google him. We never liked him. Can we have a different question?
What happened with that giant snake that was roaming the halls a couple of years ago?
That snake really foxed us for a while! Luckily a student stabbed it in the basement. Please don’t be alarmed, though. It didn’t bite any of our pupils, just glared at them until their little bodies froze rock hard.
My God. Did it disrupt exams?
I don’t think so? We were a bit distracted that year, sorry. Pass.
Wasn’t there also a werewolf running about the grounds last year?
Strangely enough, that turned out to be one of our teachers! He’s dead now.
What vetting procedures do you have in place when hiring new teachers?
Perhaps a better question might be, can anybody truly know anyone? But to answer your question more straightforwardly, no. There are no vetting procedures in place.
The Headmaster was murdered last year by a former teacher. Should I be concerned?
Do you mean to ask, will this negatively affect my child’s learning? No — here at Hogwarts we teach children to compartmentalise.
That sounds pretty traumatic though. What can you offer students in terms of pastoral or mental health support?
We don’t have any formal provisions per se, although if students wish to, they are welcome to seek out our 7ft tall groundskeeper and noted owner of spiders, Mr Hagrid, who can offer counsel and support from his hut after dark.
A high number of your students seem to die each year. Should I be concerned?
It’s true, not all our students live through the academic year. Some are just unlucky. But yours will probably be fine. Probably.
