February Letters to Slackjaw

Artesian, organic, muscle-powered mail delivery is the new hotness at the Slackjaw Factory.

FINE. We have an email address. You send us emails. We get it. And in this age of “transparency,” we are going to answer your emails. Are you happy now? ugh

[By Gutbloom, Morgan Rock Loehr, Tom Mitchell, and Greg Gueldner.]


Dear Slackjaw,

Although I enjoy many of the pieces ‘published’ under your banner, especially those written by Tom Mitchell, I’m disappointed that, for writers of humour, the authors’ names are so grey and, dare I say, unfunny.

A missed opportunity imho.

Yours,

Will Fullydickish


Dear Slackjaw,

I have been a faithful reader of your publication for all three weeks of your existence, and while I consider myself a “fan”, I was shocked and horrified by the “Killing Hitler” special issue. There is nothing funny about killing Hitler. I also found “8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers” prurient, “I Just Wanted to Bake You An Amazing Fucking Cake” obscene, and “Pig Stench and Horrible Sex Lessons” filthy. I am, therefore, cancelling both my personal subscription and the subscription of the library that I manage. The Frost Free Library of Mushamaguntic will be far better off without your callous, broad, and childish humor.

Sincerely,
Emma Shhhenk
Librarian
Frost Free Library
Mushamaguntic, NUS

Hello Emma,
We have always wondered: What are the exact criteria for “violating library standards?” Because one library will simply shush you and send you on your way, and another will CALL THE POLICE for the exact same action. Morality is fluid.
Sincerely, 
SLACKJAW

Dear Slackjaw,

How bout deez nuts?

Sincerely, 
Katie Notopoulos

Dear Katie,
There were twins on my high school wrestling team named Notopoulos. Do you live in Gainesville?
Wantingly, 
SLACKJAW

Dear Slackjaw,

I take offense to your publication’s name. I self-identify as ‘Slack-jawed’ and don’t find your satirical use of the term appropriate.

For too long, my people’s rich and diverse culture has been mocked by inconsiderate Philistines such as yourselves. As a community we excel at three-string banjo playing, launching tobacco spittle into a spittoon from our rocking chairs, wearing overalls, and chewing on straw. Your use of the word reduces our history and identity into a cliched stereotype that only hinders our progress as a vital component of American society. It makes me madder than a swamp rat in heat.

I beseech you not out of pride, but for Slack-jawed yokels everywhere that don’t have a voice. All because they love’um some opossum stew and marrying their cousins. You have the power to make a difference for bumpkins everywhere because your words matter. By changing the name of your publication to something less offensive, like “Clodhopper”, you’d help create a world where yokels could live without fear. A world where my thirteen kids could attend school without fear of persecution. Who knows, maybe they’d even graduate from the 8th grade.

The choice is yours. I ain’t going to wrassle you over it. Much as I want to. As my Pa used to say, “A gator that ain’t got no teeth can’t do no bite’n to ya’ll”.

Sincerely,

Cletus Spuckler

Dear Cletus,
We weren’t talking about you. We were talking about the guy behind you.
Hope this helps,
SLACKJAW

Dear Slackjaw,

I’ve read your ‘funny’ pieces and I can’t help but thinking that if you’d spent this amount of time and effort your undergraduate studies, you might now be a lawyer.

FaceTime soon?

Love,
Mum


Dear Slackjaw,

I don’t get it. Kittens, puppies, pandas, big-balled squirrels, unicorns, honey-badgers, narwhals, and now marmots? Really? Explain to me what it is we are doing wrong?

Sincerely,
Sidney Quillen, Porcupine
President, Society for the Advancement of Porcupine Memes
An Old Barn

Greetings Sidney,
While we are not adverse to Porcupine Memes, we find the whole subject a bit prickly.
Prickly.
Ha.Haha.
No, but seriously. You keep sending us complaints but haven’t submitted content. And those squirrels are just as God made them. We don’t judge.
Cordially,
SLACKJAW

To Slackjaw,

Woof.

From,

A Dog.

(and many other correspondents — Ed.)


Dear Slackjaw,

I was rolling on Shabbas with one of my friends, and when I asked him how to hit the 7–10 “bedposts” split he said I should write to you. I’m texting this from my phone. The guys on the other team are getting antsy. What should I do?

Sincerely,
“Texas” Ted
Bowling Acres
New Brunswick, Canada

Dear Texas,
It’s hard to give you a definitive answer without knowing which hand you bowl with, how much pizza you’ve eaten, and whether you can segment your mind in preparation for sympathetic magic like the character Kvothe in “The Name of the Wind”, but regardless of that information, your best bet is to make a “pocket shot”. A pocket shot is where you check your pocket to see if you can cover the bets on the game, and if you can’t, you say you have to go to the bathroom and then break for Tijuana. If you didn’t bet on the game, just pick the pin you like least and try to cream it. I don’t like the ten pin because it thinks it’s better than everybody else.
Yours,
SLACKJAW

Dear Slackjaw,

I think my husband is turning into a “Bernie Bro”. It started out as a joke. He would sit at the dinner table and do that thing with his hands and say, “Health care is a right, not a privilege” and “If you can’t afford to take care of your veterans, then don’t go to war” in a Brooklyn accent. It was kind of funny at first. Then I caught him watching a lot of Sander’s campaign events. He kept mentioning how young everyone was and how surprised he was that so many “attractive young women” seemed to be following Bernie. I don’t want to be a “Hillary Harpy”, but it’s really starting to bum me out.

Sincerely,
Hillary C.
On the Bus
Somewhere in America

Salutations Hillary,
You what’s a great joke? 
Guy goes into the doctor, lifts his arm up and down, and says, “Hey doc, it hurts when I do this.”
The doctor says, “So don’t do that!”
Get us every time.
Good luck, 
SLACKJAW

Dear Slackjaw

In case any of your readers are interested, our college has a climbing wall, excellent food, and a scuba club. You can use your “Cardinal Card” at any one of the 16 different food pavilions on campus. Our wi-fi is excellent for E-sports and every student can print to any of the 187 printers in our three libraries. Each freshman is assigned an empathetic counselor and our professors have office hours until 11:00 PM, even on Sundays. We hope you will consider us when you go to make your college decision.

The $50,000 Liberal Arts College Down the Street
willing to put a mint on your pillow in exchange for a letter of intent
College Town, Everywhere


Dear Slackjaw,

Just so she knows, we’re in “formation” too, but we respect our albino brothers and sisters. The things you’ve read about us eating each other during the molt are lies. The blue lobsters spread that shit, because, you know, lobsters are just like crabs in a basket. One tries to get out, and the others pull him back down.

Sincerely,
The Red Lobsters
Gulf of Maine


Dear Slackjaw,

Valentine’s Day is going to be here soon, and I was thinking that I might paint my penis red and melt part of a Snicker’s bar on it, then ask my girlfriend if she likes sweets. Do you think that’s a good idea?

Sincerely,
Some Dumb Guy
Brotopolis, Beergarden

Dear Mr. Guy,
No, that’s a terrible idea. Once again, your thoughts are entirely too genital. Your self-absorbed big baby act may be tolerable 364 days a year, but if you pull that stunt on Valentine’s Day you will be eating your own Snicker’s bar. You have to remember that passion and romance are only tangentially connected to your “works”. What you should do is smear your whole body with Nutella, fill the bathtub with ice cream, and then use a hot glue gun to affix enough salted caramels on your body that you look like a large, bumpy sex toy. Candles and a Barry White album might add a touch of class.
Hope this helps,
SLACKJAW
One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.