Felonies Committed By My Immediate Family As Ariana Grande Songs

sarah james
Oct 26 · 2 min read
Ariana Grande in 7 rings (Fair Use)

My Aunt Ginny stealing a 2015 Chevy Tahoe and driving it into a Piggly Wiggly, then distracting the officers inside the store by pelting them with Hot & Fresh Rotisserie Chickens= Dangerous Woman

My cousin Stephanie planting heroin in the bag of another waitress at Fuddrucker’s because she wanted to seduce Amira’s boyfriend while Amira was in jail= break up with your girlfriend

My brother-in-law popping the diamonds out of jewelry brought in to Jared for cleanings and replacing them with fakes= 7 rings

My Uncle Julian threatening the judge who sentenced Ginny to 10 years in jail that he was gonna bust Ginny out and together they’d “come and find him,” the immediately backtracking upon being told that threatening a judge is a felony, suddenly claiming that he’d never met Ginny before and was “in the wrong court room”= Break Free

My sister drinking two Four Lokos (for a total of eight Lokos) and then attempting to spray-paint a tear on the Lincoln Memorial because “he’s crying about how we still eat animals”= bad idea

My Aunt Ginny’s ex-husband Carl impersonating a police officer to sneak into jail and win her back, but accidentally getting roped into desk duty where he had to listen to an endless line of senior citizens complain about a new bike lane for an entire 10-hour shift= thank u, next

My father trying to collect insurance money by intentionally burning down the frame store he co-owned with Jessie J and Nicki Minaj= Bang Bang

My Aunt Ginny finding God in jail, getting released, attending seminary, becoming the pastor of a small Lutheran church just outside Philadelphia, and just when you think she’s actually turned her life around, you find out she’s been sending church donations to her married boyfriend in Sacramento= God Is A Woman

Me blackmailing Aunt Ginny to keep her church donation scheme secret in exchange for a Playstation 4= Be Alright

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

sarah james

Written by

sarah is an editor at slackjaw. her writing has appeared in reductress, splitsider, the toast, and more. thesarahjames.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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