Fictional Villains Leave Instacart Instructions For Their Shoppers
Dracula: Enter my house freely and of your own will and place the packages near the pile of boxes filled with consecrated dirt. I have tried to add “shopper’s blood” to my order, but I could not find it in the beverages department. Would you be ok with lending me your veins to appease my thirst? If not, I shall understand and you may substitute with blood sausage. One more thing — before delivery, can you pick the bits of garlic off the everything bagel?
Mr. Hyde: I am experiencing the most racking pangs, a grinding in the bones, and deadly nausea, so best just leave the packages far outside the gates. Do not under any circumstances hand it over to my roommate, Dr. Jekyll. He’s a liar and a thief. He’ll say it never came and I don’t want to have to contact customer service to sort it out. Ok?
Norman Bates: You can’t miss my place– it’s the Bates Motel, you’ll see the vacancy sign flickering outside. I might be in the shower when you get here, so please wait for me near the check-in desk. I like to inspect my products to make sure the birds you got me are of a good size. Pick them big enough for me to stuff and hang on a wall after I’m done with the meat. If you’re a woman shopper — I will tip extra. Just whatever you do, don’t let my mother find out.
