First they came for the pussies

First they came for the pussies, and I did not speak out —
Because does it look like I have a pussy to grab? Does it?

Then they came for the Khans, and I did not speak out —
Because, well, that one was tough. I definitely tweeted about the need to be respectful of Gold Star families. I remember doing that.

Then they came for nasty women, and I did not speak out —
Because Hillary really was so awful. Hello, e-mails?!

Then they came for the inauguration attendance numbers, and I did not speak out —
Because that shit was just plain stupid. I honestly wouldn’t have gone if I could’ve gotten out of it but, you know, had to keep up appearances, party unity, etc. etc. etc.

Then they came for the immigrants with that whole travel ban thing, and I did not speak out —
Because first of all I didn’t even know it was happening — what the hell! — and secondly because we really do need to get a handle on the whole immigration thing. They’re obviously all terrorists. They’re responsible for mass shootings, bombings, burning down churches and synagogues, kicking over tombstones, vandalizing Holocaust memorials, using racial slurs, threatening Muslims and Mexicans in Wal-Marts and at the grocery store and in coffee lines and in parking lots, and — hold up — are these the right notes? Can someone ask Carol to bring me the Immigrants file and not the White People file please?

Then they came for me at town hall meetings, and I did not speak out —
Because I wasn’t even there HA HA HA NICE TRY PROTESTERS!

Then they came for healthcare, and I did not speak out —
Because I wanted to be invited to that Rose Garden after party thing.

Then they came for the Paris Climate Accord, and I did not speak out —
Because didn’t we all see that one coming? Be honest.

Then they came for healthcare again, and I did not speak out —
Except when I asked security to remove all those wheelchair-bound protesters from outside my office. Someone needed to say something.

Then they came for North Korea, and I did not speak out —
Because, wow, a little busy shitting my pants on that one to be honest. Can someone on my staff pull my latest polling numbers? What’s the right move here?

Then they came for people of color, with torches and pipes, cars and hatred, and I started to speak out —
But only privately amongst my colleagues, because that’s how we like to do things in Congress. And I definitely tweeted about this too. See that blue check mark next to my name? Verified.

Then they came for me, the entire country — the immigrants and the non-neo-Nazi white people, the gay and the straight, the transgender and cisgender, the children and the elderly, the most vulnerable and the most powerful, the men and the women, millions of citizens of every race, religion, ethnicity, position, privilege, and socioeconomic status — and they were all like, “OMFG DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU GOD DAMN WAITING FOR?”

Kimberly Harrington is a copywriter and creative director, a contributor to The New Yorker and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and is the co-founder and editor of parenting humor site RAZED. Her first book, PLEASE DON’T GET MURDERED AT SCHOOL TODAY, is forthcoming from Harper Perennial in May 2018. Follow her on Twitter if you’re always ready for a knife fight.