Pro Tips For Taking Studio-Quality Dick Pics
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When I tell people I’m a dick pic photographer, they tend to cringe. They’ve had lousy experiences with the dimly lit mirror selfies that give all dick pics a bad name.
We in the industry, however, have a responsibility to educate the public. We must elevate dick pics to their rightful place as high art. We want each recipient of a dick pic to recall the phrase made famous by Ansel Adams: “God alone creates the penis and its natural beauty. My camera and I merely bear witness to it.”
So, here are a few things to keep in mind when it comes to taking pictures of “Captain Standish.”
1) Clothes and Style
Too many men are surprised when I ask them what they wear for a dick pic. Usually, they’ll say, “Well, I’m kind of just naked.” This sort of lackadaisical approach is very revealing. Whether you’re sending a snap of your cranny-hunter to a woman or a gay man, everyone loves style. Show some flair. Buy a designer shirt and practice pulling it midway up your torso while flexing your abs. Boxer-briefs add panache. And, please: manscaping, manscaping, manscaping.
2) Quality Lighting
Proper lighting is critical. You don’t want dramatic shadows cloaking your love dart. If indoors, make sure the studio is well-lit and pleasantly warm — a drafty studio can kill your manroot’s mojo.
Outdoor shoots are fun and offer excellent natural light. There are plenty of worthy settings: moody sunsets on the beach; beside Old Faithful; in front of the Grand Ole Opry; your favorite local café. If you’re on private property, be sure to get permission from the owner before shooting your dingus.
3) Cosmetics
Newbies often overlook makeup. Professionals aren’t afraid to admit everyone needs help to look their best. If your nightstick isn’t in tip-top shape, that’s okay. Most skin creams work wonders on a dehydrated merrymaker. Apply liberally in the days before your shoot (there are worse ways to spend a weekend) and switch to a water-based ointment right before shooting. But remember: don’t over-apply. You want your love muscle to glisten — think morning dew on vibrant lawn, not pruney cucumber.
4) The Pose
It’s all in the eyes. Just kidding; this is a dick pic. It’s all about the foreman: Be sure to give it a good slap to wake it up. Your pose should be firm but not overly rigid. You want your Master-of-Ceremonies to appear virile but not harsh. Think assertive, not pushy.
5) Spend some money
Last, and perhaps most importantly, hire a photographer. A professionally-trained penis photographer will cost you between $250–$1,000. That may seem like a lot, but remember, these pictures can be used for years to come. Also, they’re often tax-deductible. So think of the money as an investment. As Robert Doisneau once said: “When you photograph someone’s face, you capture only their expression. But when you photograph someone’s phallus, you capture their entire essence.”
Prof Bert Stubens
Dept of Photography
University of the Western Adirondacks
