For The Ladies: Which Sea Is Right For You To Walk Into?

Clare Blackwood
May 3, 2020 · 4 min read
Image Credit: Ryan Moreno

By Clare Blackwood and Tara Millette

Hey ladies. How many times have you found yourself at the end of yet another failed relationship, wanting nothing more than to walk into the sea, never to be seen again? But how do you know which sea is right for you? Lucky for you, we’ve come up with this handy guide to help you on your way to the briny depths of bro-induced oblivion.

Caribbean Sea

Hello, tropics! The perfect ocean for a woman looking for an exotic annihilating experience. The Caribbean boasts a diverse and deadly ocean life, meaning your complete destruction would likely be quick, though certainly not painless. Just like when you dated Rob, who gave you a key to his place and cleared space in his closet for you, before cutting things off because “you were coming on a little strong.” But who cares about being gaslit when you’re guaranteed an incredible view of paradise before disappearing into this sweet void of nothingness? BONUS: Christopher Columbus sailed through these waters in search of a sea route to Asia, a great reminder that mediocre white men will never just stay in their place.

Black Sea

There’s a theory that the Black Sea got its name because anything that enters its depths emerges covered in black sludge. So gross! But what better metaphor could you ask for when looking back on your relationship with Stephen, the hot barista who stole your heart and then left it a black, lifeless ball of goo after admitting he thought feminism was the reason why the bees were dying? Plus, it takes much longer for things to decompose under its surface due to a unique lack of oxygen, so when Stephen inevitably comes running after you hoping to rekindle the relationship, you’ll still look super put together as he drowns in regrets and the crushing waves of the deep. Feminist win!

Caspian Sea

The Caspian is a sea, but is often mistaken for the world’s largest lake. Remind you of anything? How about the time you mistook Brad, the 35-year-old lawyer with his own condo, for an emotionally available human being for two whole years, right up until he claimed that he “wasn’t looking for anything serious”? When you walk into this sea, girlfriend, you can rest assured you know what you’re getting yourself into. BONUS: it’s less salty than the other seas! We’re confident you can change that with your tears.

Red Sea

Seeing red because your husband won’t give you a single moment alone? Then this seawater inlet has your name written all over it! Perfect for when Ted is in his needy-phase and constantly asking “Baaaabe? Whatcha up to?” Now you can answer “Well, Ted, I’m up to my neck in ocean water, thanks to this sea’s many shallow shelves!” Boasting a vibrant habitat for thousands of invertebrate species just like your husband, you’ll feel completely at home in this lead-off from the Indian ocean. Named for its seasonal blooms of red cyanobacteria, now the crushing oblivion will match the color of your daily rage fits. Fun!

Mediterranean Sea

Take it from us, ladies: size matters. And if you wanna go big or go home when you decide that the world is too much, you can’t go wrong with walking into its largest sea. The Mediterranean was beloved by the Roman Empire, which was eventually conquered by invading barbarian hordes. Kind of like when your loving husband’s dick was conquered by his co-worker Monica last week! He swore you had nothing to worry about! More like an invading barbarian whore, am I right? Plus, this sea is surrounded by beautiful, rugged cliffs from which you can fling yourself dramatically, if walking just doesn’t cut it.

Dead Sea

Feeling extra salty these days? Like, 9.6 times more salty than any other ocean? Then this body of water might be just the ticket! When your man acts like he walks on water, prove that you’re the buoyant babe in the relationship. Due to its incredible salt content, the Dead Sea allows its swimmers to float unusually high — higher than Dave gets before his 6th hour of playing Call of Duty. And because of this excessive sodium, nothing can grow or thrive in this particular sea — just like the love and respect between you and Dave after he moved in and you became his maid/mommy. Act fast, because this little sea has been receding at a rapid rate! Reminiscent of Dave’s hairline.

At the end of the day, ladies, you can rest assured that no matter which ocean best suits your needs, men will always drive you into one. So enjoy the millions of tons of pressure from the salinated water, and the release of pressure from your current romantic partners! Because always remember: garbage doesn’t belong in the sea.

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Clare Blackwood

Written by

Canadian actor/writer/comedian; writer for The Beaverton; words in CBC Comedy, McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, etc. Co-Founder of The Honeypot. clareblackwood.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Clare Blackwood

Written by

Canadian actor/writer/comedian; writer for The Beaverton; words in CBC Comedy, McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, etc. Co-Founder of The Honeypot. clareblackwood.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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