Forget The Trends And Use These Spicy Baby Names Instead
It’s time to pick your daughter’s name and your friends have already used your favorites. Not to worry; here are seven baby names, based on current trends, that are totally original.
1. If you like: Scarlett or Harper
Why: You had an English teacher in high school who really got you thinking. It was the 00’s, so they didn’t bother explaining that Gone with the Wind glorifies slavery and To Kill a Mockingbird ignores white shame. While you did not quite finish either book, you read the first 1/16 and 1/2, respectively, watched both movies, and now get turned on when men wear glasses like Atticus.
Imagine instead: Offred
Why: It’s a deep cut, for sure, but truly well-read feminists (or people that enjoyed the sexy horror of Elisabeth Moss in a red cape) will appreciate it.
2. If you like: Kennedy, Reagan, or Madison
Why: It’s not so much that you admire their presidential legacy, or that you know the year they were inaugurated. You just like the implication that your daughter is distantly related to a powerful white man.
Zig right with: Van Buren
Why: You could call her VB for short, sort of like Phoebe, but then she could roll her eyes and correct people, “No VEE B.” Interestingly, certain presidents’ names just don’t work. That’s why I’m not recommending Hoover or Clinton, for two different reasons: Hoover was known as a flirt, and Clinton? That one is pretty obvious; people might think you named her after Hilary.
3. If you like: Kennedy, Reagan, but also Logan instead of Madison
Why: Madison is too prissy. You want your daughter to destroy the ozone layer with her own private plane, not her husband’s.
Zag left with: Newark
Why: We’ve already established she’ll be a jetsetter, and this saves some time in the Uber to the airport. “Yes- Newark. Both my name and my destination.”
4. If you like: Millicent or Winnifred
Why: These names tell people you come from money. They were last used in the Gilded Age, but can be abbreviated when the child is a toddler to cutesy names like “Millie” or “Winnie.” You’ll pair it with two middle names; one will be from Downton Abbey like Sarah or Mary and the other will sound vaguely culturally appropriated like “Rae” or “Diamond Head.”
Defy expectations with: Maleficent
Why: What’s more old-money-austere than Walt Disney? Do not worry about it being too much for her; it definitely will be. You can proudly call over to your neighbors “Meet baby Maleficent Alice Vibraham Patterson.” Don’t mistake that look on their face- they’re just jealous they didn’t think of it first.
5. If you like: Riley or Palmer
Why: Your daughter is going to play hockey and be a part-time model. She’ll be the kind of hot where she doesn’t even have to try. That’s why you’ve given her a name without an ounce of femininity: your daughter won’t need it.
Take it one step further with: Norton
Why: this name is hot. You know it, I know, and the nurse who fills out the birth certificate in the hospital will know it, the moment you look at her and smugly say, “that’s right, Norton …for a girl.”
6. If you like: Teigen
Why: When it was hard for you to come up with a personality in college, you adopted some of Chrissy’s favorite phrases. You may not have been able to attract people by talking with your mouth full of pizza, but your daughter will pull that off.
Dare to go where nowhere else will go with: The
Why: Who’s even cooler, funnier, and more beloved by men and self-conscious women than Chrissy Teigen? The Rock. When people inevitably ask you “Wait …is she named after The Rock?” You can say “Um no. It’s actually an old English article from over 1500 years ago.”
7. If you like: River, Willow, or Magnolia
Why: You’ve lived your whole life as a Jennifer or a Lauren: predictable, dependable, employed. You don’t want to pigeon-hole your daughter. Let her be whatever she chooses (based on your parenting).
Don’t rule out: Embankment
Why: It’s nature meets civilization. She’s wild, but may run aground in her late teens.
Just remember, your daughter’s name is a direct reflection of you. It’s important to project everything you never achieved onto your newborn. Don’t let her be one of three Olivia’s in her class. And certainly don’t name her after any proper noun found in The Bible or The Kings and Queens of England.
