As a young professional, money can be tight. That’s why, when the shower in my apartment broke, I made a choice not to bother forking out the money to get it repaired, but rather to accept it as an opportunity for self-realization, self-actualization, and self-realizing actualization.
Remembering how Stoic philosophers used to regularly practice worst-case scenarios in order to be ready for them, I decided to embrace filth and live as a stinky monk for the foreseeable future. Here are my top four lessons.
1. There’s always a free seat.
After only a few days of not showering, things were already beginning to change. People moved to avoid my smell on the subway, and all of a sudden, evening commutes home from work became far more tranquil affairs. In the rare event of there being no free seats, I found mumbling ominously under my breath, combined with sudden arm movements and a slow march towards an occupied seat usually did the trick, and before long I had invariably created space for myself.
2. It’s environmentally friendly.
I had often heard people talking about how much bathing harms the environment, and I can now confirm this as absolutely true. A month and a half into the smell-wakening, I noticed a large patch of moss had grown over the back of my shoulders. There’s no way I ever would have the chance to experience nature like that whilst bathing! Pretty soon it had spread up the base of my neck, and it even seemed to be growing into my ears. This confirmed my suspicions that I was totally, like, enlightened as fuck, bro.
3. There is a secret group of billionaires conspiring to destroy the world’s plant life.
The moss spreading internally totally changed my perspective on things. I’ve been trying, I’m pretty sure successfully, to photosynthesize for a while now, and I’m hoping to eventually forgo physical food completely. It’s also become blatantly obvious to me that a highly secretive cabal of global elites is attempting to wipe out all plant life in order to hoard and monetize the world’s oxygen supply; I noticed this initially when I realized the first letter of each paragraph in that day’s newspaper spelled out “plants r gone, good”. I call these people the “plant bloominatti”, and they must be stopped.
4. I’m considering human sacrifice to the Great Tree God in order to restore balance to the earth’s biome.
For a while now, I’ve felt like the answer to the “plant bloominatti” problem might lie in human sacrifice. The spirit of the moss growing on me, Moss Deep as I call him, has been suggesting for a while this might be a good idea, but I’m reluctant. I’d ask my friends, but I haven’t seen any of them in about a month; they all seemed to disappear after someone snitched on me for shouting at a stopped school bus. It didn’t even seem to matter to them that I was shouting the truth about the elites! Can you believe that!?
Anyway, those are the top four things I’ve learned by not showering. I’ve been thinking about maybe heading down to a gym and taking a shower, maybe shaving all the moss off of my body and seeing how I feel then, but on the other hand, I do have a pretty good colony going! Only time will tell where my actualizing, self-realizing best life digital nomad influencer compass will take me next.
Till then, Namaste.