Freelance Writing Job Posts Clearly Written By My Mother

Joe Wellman
Published in
3 min readJan 9, 2022

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Tedious Copy Editing Job Completely Beneath Your Talents

Seeking a handsome young man with the potential to be a literary critic or presidential speechwriter to help us with a tedious copy editing project. The right candidate will find absolutely nothing degrading or disappointing about using all the wonderful knowledge he gained getting his double major to wade through a 5,000 word magazine article about fishing rods and make note of any grammatical errors. No matter how many hours you log (which shouldn’t be too many because you need to get out more), you will receive a flat rate payment unable to cover rent on that awful mop closet you call an apartment that is in DESPERATE need of a woman’s touch. Candidates who choose to live in dangerous and dirty places like Brooklyn will not be considered.

Writer With Experience Of Getting In His Own Way Wanted For Unfulfilling Advertising Project

You back down from challenges. You settle. You gave up on skiing lessons after like, two hours. We are looking for a super talented individual in the prime of his life who’s just completely phoned it in ever since Heather called off the engagement. You will work closely alongside a team of people who all at some point wanted to be poets to write Facebook posts about flavored soda or some crap like that until they’re done with you and you don’t have any work for two whole weeks, so you sit around rewatching Lost on the Hulu account I still pay for. Ideally, you will have the chutzpah it takes to end this freelancing charade, call up Loyola, and beg for your TA job back. We are an ad-agency that values family, so if you have betrayed yours multiple times now by dropping out of both law school AND graduate school, then please don’t bother. We’ve heard enough excuses from you.

Earn ONE HALF Of What You Would Earn As An Investigative Reporter, Non-Profit Director, Or Tenured Professor PER WEEK!!!

JOB DESCRIPTION: Inadequate. Unacceptable. Worrying. Probably a scam.

DUTIES: Reassess your values, communicate with your parents to help them understand…

Joe Wellman

Joe lives in Chicago, Illinois. He likes biking, writing, and making short lists of things he likes to do.