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Fun Facts From Starbucks Baristas (And A Horrible Secret)

The fish lady lays the beans.

Photo: engin akyurt on Unsplash

When Starbucks opened in the 70s, we didn’t sell drinks at all — just beans!

An average customer visits Starbucks six times a month.

Most people think the Starbucks logo is a mermaid or a Siren, but they’re doubly wrong. First, she’s actually real! Second, she’s something… else.

We’re not sure what she is. We call her the fish lady, though she’s not quite either.

Starbucks brews nearly 90 billion pounds of beans every year. Wow, that’s a lot of beans!

The fish lady lays the beans.

The fish lady incubates the beans in her birthing chamber, in a heavily guarded facility 30 miles SE from Seattle. She sits atop the beans and warms them with her tails. And when the fish lady howls, it is time to harvest the beans. Highly trained operatives enter the birthing chamber and begin the harvest.

Our signature color is Pantone 3425 c, but we just call it Starbucks Green. When harvesting the beans, Starbucks Green hazmat suits must be worn at all times.

Ripe beans have that distinct ‘burnt’ taste. Overripe beans have more of a ‘writhing’ taste.

You can order a Pumpkin Spice Latte year-round, not just in Fall!

Sadly, our operatives all inevitably succumb to Harvester’s Frenzy. Those afflicted with Harvester’s Frenzy see visions of a throne of beans, stretching to the heavens; of rivers running brown with Pike Roast; and of a false prophet saying “America Runs On Dunkin’.” These visions are recorded in the Book of Reve-latte.

20mg of laudanum, administered daily, can slow the onset of Harvester’s Frenzy. Wow, that’s a lot of laudanum!

You can get free whipped cream on any drink! Just ask!

Same with caramel drizzle! Ditto, just ask!

The fish lady’s tails are coated in a thick, Vaseline-like secretion. Don’t like whipped cream or caramel drizzle? Free fish lady secretion in all drinks, whether you ask or not!

You probably know our name’s Moby Dick connection, but did you know it was inspired by local history? The Starbo Mine was once a popular source of copper in the Seattle area. One day, deep in the mountain, two miners made a strange discovery. “Is it a fossil?” asked one. “That there’s a statue!” said the other. And so, they dragged it to the surface. But it was neither fossil nor statue and, after a slumber of ages, the fish lady awoke. The miners were turned to nonfat foam with a wave of her tails. Eventually, the military’s top baristas were able to capture the fish lady and begin tests. Howard Schultz, a researcher in paranormal caffeination, joined the team and Project Starbucks was born.

A tall iced skinny latte is just 60 calories!

All our ‘strange’ cup size names — tall, grande and venti — come from the incantations performed at the fish lady’s altar: ta’al, gran-deh and, well, venti. These words help ensure a good harvest.

Which means every time you place an order at Starbucks, you’re offering a secret fish lady fertility prayer! Unwittingly, you help her lay!

When we write your name on our cups, it is permanently inscribed in the fish lady’s memory. We never spell it ‘wrong,’ that is your true name in the new reality — the fish lady reality. Now enjoy your macchiato, Ribeh-kah.

Also, cups are molted fish lady skin.

How came the fish lady to be buried in those mines? Is she a god or just a corporate mascot? And what strange and wonderful power lurks within the beans? Such answers are known to only our most senior Baristas, but one suspects some profound horror yet awaits us — a fate worse than the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino Blended Coffee, just beyond the horizon…

Oh, and if you buy beans and don’t have a grinder, no problem, we’ll grind them for you.

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Medium humor. Large laughs.

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Sam Allemang

Sam Allemang

humour writer from Toronto. scallemang.ca

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