God Pitches Humans On Shark Tank
God: For the longest time, the universe has just been a bunch of hydrogen, helium, and rocks. Until now.
Sharks Kevin O’Leary, Barbara Corcoran, Daymond John, and Mark Cuban wait for the next entrepreneur.
ANNOUNCER: Next into the tank is a maker with a brand new concept for sentient organic matter!
God enters.
GOD: Hi Sharks, my name is God, and I’m an omnipotent, celestial, creator-deity with over 10 billion years of experience making stuff. For the longest time, the universe has just been a bunch of hydrogen, helium, and rocks. Until now. With some water, carbon, and a patented process I call evolution, I can generate a species of highly intelligent, complex organisms called humans that come in a variety of sizes and colors and do all sorts of cool things like compose symphonies, do calculus, and make tacos!
KEVIN: Okay, interesting. So what’re you looking for from us?
GOD: I need one planet with liquid water.
KEVIN: An entire planet? At what equity stake?
GOD: You’d get an entire continent of humans that look like you.
BARBARA: So God, what’s your growth model look like for these… humans?
