God: Yes I Do Pick Winners And Losers, And Here’s How I Decide
I have been getting a lot of complaints lately about the outcomes of various sports contests, so I thought this would be a good time, not just to reveal my divine existence to all of the non-believers out there, but also to explain how I decide who wins and who loses.
First off, about 90% of my decisions are based on so-called superstitions. For example, I had to eliminate the Washington Capitals from the hockey playoffs last year because Barry Newsome of Columbia Maryland shaved his playoff beard too early. Do you know why the Bucs won the Super Bowl? Because Ryan Masterson from Sarasota Florida went two whole weeks without changing his underwear. I even let the Cubs win the World Series one year after the O’Reilly family finally figured out the exact order I wanted them to sit on the couch in (I have since decided a new set of arbitrary rules based on what clothes they all choose that will result in another Cubs championship if they can ever figure it out). Why do I pick winners this way? Whether they realize it or not, people who engage in superstitions are implicitly acknowledging that I control everything in the universe, which is kind of cool. Also, it’s plain funny watching everyone get themselves worked up over stupid minutia.
Second, prayer works, but only in moderation. I get a lot of requests from people wanting their team to win, and frankly it’s a bit obnoxious. Try praying sparingly if you want me to answer. Best practice is to pray only once a month; it’s up to you whether you use that to ask for a Dodgers win, pray that your Aunt’s cancer goes into remission, or just use it to tell me how awesome I am (I already know, but it’s still nice to hear). If you really want me to listen, then you should try sacrificing something so I know you’re serious: chickens and goats work well, but I encourage you to get creative.
Third, as you might have noticed I do have an ax to grind against the city of Cleveland. Don’t ask Me why, the citizens of Cleveland know what they did. Please note that the New York Jets, and the Knicks aren’t cursed, those teams are just poorly run, so stop trying to pin their failure on Me.
Fourth, I do not make teams lose just because someone associated with the team is a “bad person.” It’s funny that most of you want bad people to lose unless they happen to be on your team, in which case you’ve miraculously managed to find forgiveness in your heart. Isn’t it enough for you that they have to spend an eternity in the fires of Hell? Why should I also punish them — not to mention their teammates and their entire fan-base, who are largely blameless — here on Earth? You people harbor some serious grudges, and that’s coming from Someone who once created a flood to wipeout almost all life on Earth.
I hope now that I have explained Myself you people will stop complaining so much and instead use that energy to appease me through your superstitions, like the puppets that you are. So maintain your game-day rituals, select your clothing carefully, don’t shave that playoff beard (ladies, that goes for you too), and whatever you do, do not change your underwear before the Super Bowl.
