So there’s an unholy presence in your home. No need to be embarrassed. It can happen to anyone! But instead of wallowing in your cosmic misfortune, why not look at the bright sides of this rare opportunity? In the silver linings spirit, we’ve compiled a list of seven surprising ways to use your haunting as a chance to live your best life. While you still can.
1. An Unexpected BFF (Being of Fire and Fury) — Adult life can be lonely sometimes. Especially when living alone in a hilltop Victorian mansion. But after accidentally summoning a demon from the Great Void of the Unholy Beyond, alone time is a thing of the past. Your new bestie has already moved in! And boy is he evil.
2. Unholy Savings on Utilities — Electric bill got you down? No problem. Simply speak the Lord’s name and watch as the Great Defiler Koloc’Teth reveals himself unto you, frying every piece of electronics in your home with his unfathomable rage. Ta ta TV, hello savings!
Editor’s Tip: The ghastly chill of the Great Defiler’s presence can lead to huge savings in the summer months. Kill that AC and conjure some extra cash!
3. A History Lesson (On The House) — If these walls could talk…gosh, they just wouldn’t stop screaming. Look into your home’s history forthwith. The secrets to Koloc’Teth’s demise may lie hidden beneath your floorboards. Or maybe that’s just Jackson Oak!
4. Divine Antiques — Perhaps the Wicked Unholy himself isn’t linked to your home itself, but some cursed talisman therein. Examine any baubles and knickknacks for the markings of evil. Be wary, of course, for the tricks of the Life Eater are legion; his manipulations, diabolical. But one thing is certain: that flesh-bound grimoire is a great conversation piece.
5. Upping Your Dead Language Game — Who has the time to learn a language these days? You do. And you must, for Koloc’Teth speaks his demands only in the ancient Sumerian tongue, and he grows tired of your disobedience.
6. Bonding With (Very) Extended Family — With today’s hustle and bustle, it can be hard to reach out to our loved ones. But as your sanity wanes, and the Great Defiler torments you with the voices of relatives long-passed, you’ll have no choice but to reconnect with those who matter most. But listen not to their commands, as they are the puppets of the Maledictor himself, and his evil designs approach completion.
7. An Out of this World Staycation! — In this economy, it can be hard to truly vacay. Not so when the powers of Koloc’Teth reach their accursed zenith! Now in his true form, He of Unspeakable Pain can finish what he started, transporting your entire home to the Great Void of the Unholy Beyond. In this endless realm, all is warped to his scornful will, where you will remain his puppet for untold millennia. Finally, you can discover a new world — of torment! — all without stepping past your front door.
Check out next month’s issue to see the 6 Unexpected Upsides of Being Tortured in a Realm of Eternal Agony!