Goop’s Holiday Gift Guide for Our Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape

I love the holidays — they’re a reminder to focus on the profound powers of love and joy. But in today’s hectic world, with our entire social structure collapsing and the air turning into a giant ash cloud, it’s harder than ever to show others that we care — let alone stay alive! That’s why this year’s gift list is all about surviving and thriving in a world where law is a distant memory and the sounds of nature have all been replaced by a relentless and mysterious wail.

And hey — get yourself a little something while you’re at it, too. You deserve it, goddess — plus everyone on your gift list may already be dead.

- xo, gp

For the Fashionista: Handwoven Bandages

Our favorite luxury necessity of the season — woven from 100% organic Egyptian cotton, these chic and soothing bandages are a sumptuous way to say “Yes, my skin is also covered with boils.” 20 LaCroix cans/bandage.

For the Traveler: #gratitude Travel Urn

As you rove the countryside searching for a shred of hope, carry those you’re most grateful for with you — and do it in luxe style. Hand-painted by artisans who didn’t survive March’s cleansing fire, this lightweight travel urn can carry the cremains of up to four loved ones. Truly something to be #grateful for. 72 LaCroix cans.

For the Dreamer: Silk Blinders

It’s hard to practice the law of attraction when all you see is the charred ruins of your favorite stores and the bodies of the people who worked inside them. Designed after horse blinders, this chic headgear will help someone you love ignore the horror around them and remain in their happy place. 120 LaCroix cans.

For the Spiritualist: Energized Rose Quartz

Used to attract love, these oversized, weighty crystals are also perfect for bludgeoning anyone trying to steal your last few vitamins. Bonus: the crystal’s clear energy helps cleanse your vibration of the human blood you’ve spilled. 45 LaCroix cans/crystal.

For the Cleansehound: Food

Cleanses are so before we stopped counting time in years. Food is the new food cleanse — a rejuvenating infusion of micro and macronutrients that will literally give you the energy you need to keep running from The Howling. Price depends on food. Food unavailable in most states.

For the Hard-to-Shop-For: Candle Offering to The Howling

Speaking of The Howling — what better gift than an offering that might convince The Howling to spare you or someone you love? While nobody knows what The Howling is, everybody knows that it revels in the ritual power of fire. And surely any human, force of nature, or monster would appreciate this luxe, understated candle set. 400 LaCroix cans. (Pamplemousse only)

For the Bestie: Basic Shelter

We know that goop has a reputation for recommending gifts that are aspirational even for the elite. Show your love by providing the ultimate luxury — the barest shelter against the elements and raiders. 20,500 LaCroix cans.

For the Weak: Bespoke Cyanide Capsules*

In today’s fast-paced, “I could be gutted at any moment” world, who hasn’t thought about just ending it all? Give someone you can’t bear to see suffer any longer the transformational gift of relief with these made-to-order capsules. Laced with a hint of organic peppermint to provide a refreshing zing as the oxygen is cut off from your cells. 32 LaCroix cans/capsule, plus a promise to give the deceased’s hair to the capsule artisan.

* Note: Cyanide capsules contain toxins.