Grandpa Stan is Cooler Than Your Friend, Jaxon.
As you grow older, you begin to realize that a Kanji tattoo and a name with an ‘x’ in it aren’t necessarily the best qualifiers for a friendship. You also begin to realize that your grandpa (who you always thought was a dud whose life-lesson-laden stories were way too fucking long) actually has many of the qualities that you and your pals aspire to.
To wit:
1. Grandpa Stan being like the honey badger, not giving a shit.
2. He’s been rocking his thrift-store, power-clashing look since before it was a thing.
3. He has a tattoo of an anchor on one forearm, Popeye-like. It’s cool. Jaxon has a tattoo that he was told was Kanji for serenity. It’s actually Kanji for potato.
4. Epic vinyl collection
5. If he wanted to (he doesn’t), he could show up at the bluegrass jam down at “Fiddle & Grass” with the banjo he hasn’t played in forever (that he played back in the pre-hipster days when bluegrass was only for hillbillies) and shred anyone under the table. Everyone is sick of hearing the 3 ukulele tunes Jaxon learned on YouTube.
6. Dude drinks like a pro. He knows how to make an excellent cocktail and (incidentally) can drink you and any of your friends under the table. (Grandpa Stan has been priming his liver for decades.) Grandpa Stan won’t order a ‘mule’ or any other drink made with vodka, ever. Unlike Jaxon, who ordered one too many Lemon Drops last Friday and got you both kicked out of “Fiddle & Grass”.
7. He can still beat most of your friends in arm wrestling.
8. He knows when to shut up, unlike Jaxon, who talks incessantly, especially when he’s drinking. Nobody thinks his ‘sarcasm’ is cool. They think it’s a beat up-able offense.
9. 5+6+7 = you won’t find yourself in a compromised position at the “Fiddle & Grass” with Grandpa Stan because A) he can hold his drink and B) he won’t start a bar fight and C) if he does, at least he’ll be able to defend himself.
10. Hazel, the barrista you’ve been trying to get up the nerve to ask out, thinks Granpa Stan’s way-too-fucking-long-life-lessons are “so. interesting.” She will actually talk to you if you’re standing next to him, unlike Jaxon, who is a literal girl-repellant
11. More consequence-free boom-boom than you, Jaxon, Brendan, Brandon, and Dax combined could dream of. And yes, that’s not necessarily what you all aspire to, but the fact is he clearly knew a thing or two about the ladies.
