Hate His Jokes? Professional Woman Says Huffing Spray Paint is Key to Her Success
From procreation to acquiring jobs, to avoiding harassment for wearing yoga pants, men are the gatekeepers to modern woman’s happiness. But these gatekeepers ask a hefty fee — our laughter. Which is high price to pay in exchange for half-baked observations about an organ that pee-pee comes out of. How does one manage to muster some guttural noises when her sense of integrity tells her that only icy disapproval is appropriate?
Swallowing a strong sense of self-worth can be difficult for even the biggest people-pleasing dame. But never fear! We’ve contacted the professionals: expert women in a variety of fields who spill the T on how they’ve managed to cough up chuckles on the male-dominated ladder of success.
Lie — “We know how to do it with sex, so why not do the same with his lame jokes? Once my boss told me a joke, and I shrieked with laughter as I told him my mind would have never made that neurological connection between priests and altar boys! Soon after, I was promoted.” — Maria Chavez, Manager of Sweaty Hand Towels at The George Lopez Show
Finesse the art of the ‘Oh, You!’ — “Did you blackout half way through a man’s joke only to come to at the punch line? It’s happened to me more times than I can count. Simply punch his shoulder playfully, tilt your head down, and with a knowingly twinkle in your eye say, ‘oh you!’ It’s never failed me to date, and has saved me from dozens of apology blow jobs.” — Lynda Roma, Freelance Big Wig Pen Fluffer
Self-Inflict Brain Damage — “The more you know, the less you laugh at socially insensitive material, which men STRIVE on. Don’t be a party pooper — kill those smarty cells! I’ve achieved this by incorporating spray paint huffing into my morning routine. I also recommend deliberate undernourishment, which can be achieved by adhering to the Prom-Ready Diet™: eat two Sweet Sixteen Snickerdoodles a day. Enjoy unlimited iced tea and raisins between your Keto-friendly nice-cream sandwiches.” –Shanna Weinberg, Global Sass Monitor at Skinny Calf Jr. International
Pop a Xanny (or Five) — “I just pop a xan xan, swig a Manhattan and take a ride on the giggle train. It’s how I met my husband before he was a murderer.” –Jenna, high-functioning alcoholic at local bar
Will Yourself into Another Dimension — “It’s entirely possible to astrally project onto a plane where his jokes are funnier. It takes some practice but I sell the crystals for it on my website.” -– Gigi Rhiannon, High Yang Priestess at Gaia-Goddess-Tarot.Weebly.com and Bachelorette Party Planner
Get Good at Cognitive Dissonance — “If you’re a stubborn or strong-willed individual, consider hiring a hypnotist. A good one can help you by simply switching out your identity for that of a dame with a simpler sense of humor. It doesn’t hurt to carry around a wig and to call yourself by a more obedient name. Try a name a dog should have, like Mimi. 2018 is the year for dissociative identity disorder.” — Dr. Rebecca Tan, Professor of Psychology at UCLA, Neckbeard Rehabilitation Instructor, and author of Do You See What I See? Probably Not
Carla Jerez is a comedian and writer. Check out her lonely sketch comedy on Youtube.
