Cabo, South Padre, and Miami are great destinations if you want a totally unoriginal, hot mess Spring Break with 100-degree temperatures, too many crop tops, and absolutely zero penguins. That’s why this year’s most lit destination is the world’s southernmost party town and fifth largest continent! Get ready to rage like the world is ending in Antarctica. Or, as we’ve rashly rebranded it: ‘Tica!
‘Tica recently registered a high of 69 degrees (NICE!), which is how it swiftly became the top spot to go balls-to-the-ice-walls with your chill friends for a week of midnight-sun and global-warming-inspired fun! This is a once-in-a-lifetime trip — not only because the end-of-days are looming — but because you’ll experience literally wild party animals, lowkey continental drift vibes, Insta-worthy views of rising sea levels, and other exclusive activities that will make all your bros say, “damn, I wish I were in ‘Tica!”
Getting to ‘Tica
It’s up to you! Here at ‘Tica Breakers HQ, we empower you to find your own way to polar party paradise. Figure out the perfect flight-boat-Uber-military-van-snowmobile combo for you — and we’ll take care of the rest. If you must know, the most common method of transportation is a cruise ship from Argentina, which sails through the rough waters of the Drake Passage. Barring factors like weather, cost, and reality, this is where we’ll helicopter in Drake for a pre-party boat concert!
Staying in ‘Tica
This year’s ‘Tica Spring Break theme is: CAMP. You’ll see this theme carried out mostly in our housing situation, which might seem a little intense at first. We have exactly 12 high-quality tents available on a first-come, first-serve basis. But since the Internet here is AOL dial-up and our technology always freezes up, we won’t really know how many are coming until everyone arrives in ‘Tica (which is completely, definitely prepared for a massive group)!
Don’t forget to pack these classic Spring Break essentials:
- bikinis with light puffer coats
- cute sandals with thick wool socks
- tank tops with turtlenecks
- adorable sun hats with beanies
- booty shorts with thick long underwear
- bro tanks with heavy-duty sleeping bags
- hand warmers to go with your Polar Plunge birthday suit
Highlights and daily activities in ‘Tica
DAY 1: Drink like an arctic fish.
Hope you’re thirsty, Spring Breakers! As soon as you arrive at the town’s only hot-spot, Club Baby Seal, a top-(ice)-shelf bar will be waiting for you — accompanied by the freshest beats by DJ Blubber. Your VIP Frostbite & Frost-sip Wristband lets you jump to the front of the drink, meal and outhouse lines. Fill your thermos with our signature ‘Tica cocktails: Dark and Windy, Sex on the Archipelago, Penguin Colada, Mim-ozone, Amaretto South Pole (on the rocks), ‘Tica Island Iced Tea, and Melted Frozen Margaritas — and get ready to turn up!
DAY 2: Eat like a polar bear.
Your wristband includes an authentic, all-you-can-eat fish fiesta. We know this seems wild, but — get excited — local polar bears will actually be the guest chefs! These bears definitely exist in ‘Tica. (Just trust us! Only NERDS will look it up.) These very real polar bears catch the fish especially for you with their shockingly humanlike skills. All you have to do is wrangle the fish from their massive, powerful bear-hands, and you’ll be going to town on some gourmet sushi in no time! (If you hear a bear mutter, “This internship sucks!” then maybe it’s time to cut yourself off from the Mim-ozones.)
DAY 3: Is this working out?!
Time to work off the booze and carbs! Get in a little exercise and dance the night away with the hottest new fitness class: South Pole Dancing®. Of course, you’ll have to share one pole, and it is rapidly deteriorating, but hey — that’s an increased incentive to come this year before it’s gone!
DAY 4: Go wild.
Mix and mingle with the wildlife at one of our reimagined flapper parties! This Roaring ‘20s-inspired fête calls for your finest formalwear so you can party the night away with the O.G. flappers: penguins! These penguins are notoriously DTF (Down to Fight), so be careful! This is also the night when ‘Tica Breakers start to cozy up to each other and take a roll between the Ice Sheets. If you’re feeling especially frisky and daring, sneak away to one of the high-tech research stations you’re absolutely not allowed to enter. As we like to say, rules — and record temperatures — are made for breaking!
DAYS 5–7: Say you’re sorry.
After treating the continent like one giant #icebar, you might be nursing an emotional hangover — on top of a physical one. Especially if you fought a penguin. Time to apologize to the earth for your bad behavior. Pour one out for each natural wonder you destroyed with your partying and prepare for the final event of the week: crying.
If you’re interested in the adventure of a lifetime, please PayPal $80,000 to email@example.com.