Have You Dined With Us Before? We Do Things A Little Differently Here.

Welcome! Have you dined with us before? No? Ok, we do things a little differently here.

We specialize in small plates. Smaller than whatever you’re picturing. Our soups are served in ethically-gathered seashells. Salads are dressed and tossed in the palm of your hand. We recommend getting thirty to forty plates per person.

We source our ingredients from farmers and people who identify as farmers. All of our vegetables are locally grown using recycled factory runoff water. Situated between a Whole Foods and a shuttered Warby Parker, our meat is raised using gentle parenting techniques and briefly placed in Montessori school before slaughter.

Our staff is heteroflexible, but straight-passing. While most restaurants employ a front of house staff comprising actors and artists, ours are paralegals. Should you, at any time during your meal, decide to move forward with conscious uncoupling proceedings, simply flag down one of our food runners. They’ll draw up divorce papers to be delivered in tandem with your bill.

We are open seven days a week, from 10–1 and then from 2–9. We are closed for an hour in the middle of the day to give our staff time to remember the Alamo. We are open for bank holidays, understaffed for Jewish ones, and closed for the waxing crescent moon.

At the end of the meal, one of our paralegals will drop off your check and AI likeness release waiver. We accept American Express and enthusiastic oral.

When settling the bill, we ask that you only put down one card. Please make all of your subsequent Venmo transactions public. We screenshot them and try to guess who’s dating.

We automatically add a surcharge of 40% for groups that aren’t improv teams. Unfortunately, we cannot offer a discount to our senior patrons at this time, but adult children of emotionally immature parents eat free.

I know we’re a little different than most restaurants, so if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. In the meantime, I’d be happy to take your drink order. We are out of water.