Hello, Internet? I’d Like A Word About All These Targeted Ads Hinting That I’m Going To Die Alone
An open letter to the algorithms that keep showing me ads for single twin beds and self-massage techniques.
To whatever AI bots are in charge of my personalized web content,
I think we need to talk. I don’t really know who (or what) you are, but I assume you’re reading this. If you don’t recognize me by name, perhaps you know me as @ModernThoreau000 or 3DaysGraceFan3@hotmail.com; take some time to get my file open. I’m writing because the content you keep showing me seems a tad, well, pessimistic about my life prospects, and I’d like that to change.
After all, a man can only see so many YouTube ads about multi-position body pillows or asking me to reserve my burial plot in advance before putting 2 and 2 together. Besides, it can’t be a coincidence that when I’m doing more… personal things online, the ads for “local singles” seem to have been replaced by more “do-it-yourself” type solutions.
And, can we discuss all that sponsored Twitter content I used to see for budget divorce attorneys? It was hardly subtle — and actually a bit hurtful considering that I wasn’t even married. But, I suppose that’s now water under the bridge, seeing as the engagement was called off. I guess the joke’s on you there.
But these days, it’s really gotten out of hand. Now that the bug in your algorithm has moved beyond paid ads and started interfering with my online recommendations, it’s been driving me nuts. Every time I go on Facebook Marketplace now, I’m only shown listings for single-serve fondue pots and those weird mini loveseats that really only seat one person. Amazon, meanwhile, keeps putting 100 Years of Solitude in my checkout cart, even though I swear I deleted it the other week. And, for some reason, Netflix is convinced that I’d really like this new documentary they have on autoerotic asphyxiation.
So, though I’m not sure this will do any good, I wanted to let you know that all of these recommendations are completely off base. I don’t like fondue, hate reading novels, and don’t even own a belt. If we could change up the content a bit, I’d really appreciate it.
While we’re on the subject, though, this all makes me wonder: what did I do to cause this? Is this at all related to that time I Googled “romcom where it doesn’t work out”? Or the fact that I watched The Break-Up three times that same week? If so, I feel like it’s important to mention that I’m a huge Vince Vaughn fan, and I think we can agree that his method acting in that film is top-notch.
And if this has anything to do with the whole e-harmony snafu, I can explain. At first, I was surprised as anyone that it couldn’t find any matches for me within a 100-mile radius. But looking back at it, I’m pretty sure their algorithm just overreacted when I said that I refuse to live with cats, dogs, babies, and most other humans.
Or, wait. Is this somehow about my ex-therapist and how she used to claim that I’ve “come to fetishize my own loneliness”? Did Siri or Alexa eavesdrop on those sessions? Because not only would that be a major breach of my privacy, it should also have been canceled out by my lengthy Yelp review about her questionable psychotherapy practices.
So, to all the SEO web crawlers, NSA spybots, and other AI programs hopefully reading this, my point is that I’m not the misanthrope you think I am. I’ll have you know that I’m on quite good terms with my local librarian, I moderate a vibrant subreddit for semi-professional Solitaire players, and I’m very active on the “Rants & Raves” section of Craigslist. So, I’ve clearly got a lot going for me at the moment.
All right, well, I’ve said what I needed to. I appreciate you listening, and I’m glad we were able to clear this up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have quite the day ahead of me — there’s a Home Alone movie marathon on USA right now, and then I’ll probably spend the evening swiping left on Tinder until I climax.
Warmly,
Kevin
