Hello, Judges, I’m The Creepy Little Kid From Every Horror Movie Ever, And I’m Excited To Be Competing In This Child Beauty Pageant
I will win the crown, then haunt your nightmares.
Hello, judges. I am so excited to be competing here in the Little Miss Glitz and Glam Arizona pageant. I am contestant number 40, the creepy little kid in every horror movie ever.
My name is Penelope, and I am nine years old, as I have been for the last 250 years. I’m competing here today with my twin sister — she is standing right here, next to me. Can’t you see her? We love holding hands and walking slowly in perfect unison.
Please take note of my beautiful gown. While the other children are wearing ruffles, gems, and more makeup than a drag queen, I am only wearing this old Victorian dress that is slightly ripped at the shoulder. My hair is long and ragged and it completely covers my face. I will also be walking the runway with my doll, Lucia. Afterward, she will be left on the floor but found on the other side of the room, on that shelf I couldn’t possibly reach myself. How did it get up there? You don’t know. The only thing you know is that you didn’t put it there yourself.
For my talent, I will be singing nursery rhymes, so slowly that they will chill you to the bone. You will love my rendition of “Ring Around The Rosies, Pockets Full of Posies.” I will barely raise the volume of my voice above a whisper. To best enjoy my performance, please watch it from the end of a dark hallway.
If that doesn’t win me the glitzy glittery crown, perhaps I can entertain you with my other special talent. I spot ghosts. There is one. And there is another. And look… I see another one, right behind you. Is that your disappointed grandfather, or the child you abandoned all those years ago? Perhaps it’s that friend whose death you are somewhat responsible for? There is only one way to find out, and it involves a Ouija board and a bunch of lit candles laid out in a pentagram at midnight.
When I win, I want to use my title to bring about world peace, to end world hunger, and to avenge my murder by seeking out the man who cut off my head and hid my body down that well. You see, I cannot sleep until my spirit is at rest, or until you stab me through the heart as we make eye contact. At that moment you wouldn’t see a monster, just a scared little girl who is a victim of the world itself.
Good luck to my fellow contestants. If you need to seek revenge against your parents for giving you spray tans and fake eyelashes, come find me. I can be summoned by flicking the bathroom lights off and on three times in a row.
Once again, I am contestant number 40, Penelope, from that old run-down mansion, up there on that hill, that has been abandoned for the last fifty years. Or has it?
