Help! I Just Gave Gollum A Coca-Cola And Now He’s Freaking The Fuck Out!
What do I do?!
Oh, Christ. Oh shit. Fuck fuck fuck. I really did it this time. I just gave Gollum a Coca-Cola and now he’s freaking the fuck out. I’ve never seen him like this before; I have no idea what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. One minute he was fine. We were just chilling in my apartment playing PlayStation and trying to guess our crushes’ social security numbers when he asked if he could pound a can of Coke. Of course, I said yes — he’s not a fucking Gremlin. It’s not like I can’t feed him after midnight or get him wet (thank God, because if I couldn’t hose this dude down at least four times a day, the smell would be absolutely unbearable). So I told him, “Hell yeah, crack one open.” Little did I know it’d be one of the worst mistakes of my life.
He drank like half of it and then started jumping up and down and screaming. Right now he’s ripping the stuffing out of my couch. My neighbor keeps banging on the door and threatening to shoot both of us with his crossbow if I don’t quiet Gollum down. I don’t know anything about this guy — to tell you the truth, I thought he was a type of Yoda. But after a few weeks of never seeing him use a lightsaber even once, I’m starting to think he’s just some guy who smells bad and talks like an idiot.
I used to like that Gollum was weird. In my opinion, being weird and not really caring what other people think is one of the most inspiring things you can do (not for me personally; I’m very normal and well-respected, but I think it’s great for other people). And much as I want lil’ G-man to be himself, I wouldn’t mind if he changed a few things. Like his appearance or personality, for example.
Great. Gollum just ripped my waffle iron in half. Little asshole has no idea how useful that appliance was. Not only could I make waffles with it, but I also sometimes used it as a panini press. Guess my sandwiches are all going to be cold and untoasted for the foreseeable future.
I literally tried everything to calm him down. I put on his favorite movie, Tully. I threw a bunch of wet rags at him, which are Gollum’s favorite toys. I even tried to swaddle him like a baby so I could carry him around and soothe him, but he bit my finger clean off! It’s going to take me even longer to finish my screenplay now (it’s about a guy who’s really good at being in the mafia, but when it comes to romance, he just can’t seem to shoot as straight).
Maybe Gollum is just really horny? Just spitballing here, but what if I found a girl Gollum that he could have consensual sex with? I don’t think there’s a risk of him reproducing, since I always assumed he laid eggs. I know for sure that he lactates because I’ve been putting it in my coffee every morning. Cup of coffee sounds great right about now. Maybe a nice hot Gollum egg, over-easy, and some toast to go with it? Now we’re talking!
Seriously? Gollum just swallowed my driver’s license. How am I supposed to pay my rent? (My primary source of income is buying teenagers beer and overcharging them.) Guess I’ll add “go to the DMV” to my list of things to do this week. I am definitely sending Gollum to bed without any fish heads tonight.
I’m starting to wish I had just left Gollum in that underground cavern I found him in. He was talking about “my precious” this and “my precious” that. I thought he was referring to an ice cold beer — most precious thing I can think of — so I brought him home to toss a few back. Then I replaced his tattered rags with a tuxedo. Can’t have a guy serve you hors d’oeuvres if he doesn’t look classy. But he just tore it up and turned it into more tattered rags. I guess I can’t really blame him. My guy has a style and sticks to it.
Well, my apartment is completely destroyed now. I guess it doesn’t really matter if you have any advice to calm Gollum down since the damage is already done. Thanks for nothing. But I guess it’s like the saying goes: don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because you can always take out a life insurance policy on Gollum and then have your neighbor blast him with that crossbow he was hollering about.
