Help! My Husband Is Jeopardizing Our Marriage By Refusing To Use The Oxford Comma

Marcela Onyango
Jan 6 · 4 min read
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

Dear Jean,

I’m married to a sweet, loving, and beautiful man. He makes me incredibly happy and I cannot bear the thought of life without him. However, he refuses to use the Oxford comma. His contempt towards forming grammatically correct independent clauses is wearing on our relationship.

I know it’s bizarre that I married a man who doesn’t understand the value of separating all the items of a sentence with a comma. But we were young when we met and I thought his omission of the Oxford comma was a youthful indiscretion that he would outgrow. These ten years of marriage have proved otherwise. He still snubs the Oxford comma and it’s become painfully clear that we have different grammatical values. Should I leave him?

He torments me with his daily love notes which he lays on the nightstand before he leaves for work. These notes always contain a sentence with a list of things that he loves about me. The following is an excerpt from a love letter he once wrote: “I love your face, ears and nose.” I was enraged at the sight of this phrase. Are my ears and nose the only parts of my face that he loves? What about my supple lips? When I interrogated him about this I found out that he does love my entire face. Of course, this whole entire calamity would have been avoided if he used the Oxford comma and wrote, “I love your face, ears, and nose.” I told him that his blatant disregard of the oxford comma renders his declarations of love useless.

I started adding the missing Oxford commas to his love letters and returning them to him so he could understand the necessity of that final comma. However, my attempts to show him the usefulness of the oxford Oomma have been futile. His verbal response to my rage is often a general shrug followed by “Okay honey, I’ll try to change, do better and use the comma.” But how can he change if he omits the Oxford comma even in his speech?

We recently sought the help of a literature professor to save our marriage. During our counseling sessions, he seemed open to the idea of inviting the Oxford comma into his life. He even started to use the Oxford comma in his love letters. It seems that our marriage was finally saved.

I checked his emails just to ensure that he truly changed. I know that breaking into your partners’ email account without permission is a breach of trust but I had to confirm my husband’s loyalty. To my utter dismay, I found out that he continues to neglect the Oxford comma in his professional and personal emails. He’s living an Oxford comma-less life behind my back. On one of the emails to his colleagues he wrote, “I have to leave work early today to celebrate my promotion with my brilliant, loving and patient wife.” This betrayal broke my heart. However, I chose to be a martyr for the sake of our children and stay in this Oxford comma-less marriage. The children love their father and it would kill me to deprive them of such a wonderful father.

His recent actions have led me to question his ability to be a good father and forced me to consider ending our ten-year marriage. The other day as he was helping my daughter with her homework, I noticed that he failed to correct one of her sentences when she did not use an Oxford comma. I watched my brilliant daughter write this abominable sentence, “My favorite people on the planet are my mother, father and my brother.” My husband didn’t lift a finger to correct this indecency. It’s one thing if he chooses to engage in grammatical error. But I shall not let him corrupt our sweet children with his parental negligence. My children will not become their father. They will learn that the last item of a list in any independent clause requires an Oxford comma. After that traumatic event, I immediately asked my attorney to draft divorce papers. Should I serve my sweet, loving, and wonderful husband these papers?

Yours,

The Dejected Wife


Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Marcela Onyango

Written by

comedian/communist marcelaonyango.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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