Help! My Inanimate Mason Jar Is Made From GMOs
Dear readers, I’m writing because I need your help! Like any good hippie vegan, I was living the best version of my life, when I realized in horror that my favorite mason jars — in which I had been mixing quinoa-caesar smoothies — were, in fact, GMO!
Gasp! I actually gasped. Out loud.
I was shocked. And embarrassed. I thought I had been so careful. I only shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. But, looking down at the lettering on the mason jar, the words MADE FROM GENETICALLY MODIFIED SAND were written clear as day. I hadn’t realized it was possible to genetically modify sand. But, apparently it’s possible, and it involves copious, copious amounts of genetically modified mollusk semen.
Those tricky scientists had modified the semen to extrude from mollusks as a crystalline grain similar in size and appearance to regular sand. When modified mollusk semen is melted in equal proportions with regular sand, the resulting GMO glass is stronger than any non-ballistic glass on the market.
Mason jars made from semenglass are sold on Amazon.com under the brand name New Musk, and have been featured in dozens of YouTube videos showing their ability to withstand drops of 20 feet or more onto concrete.
I must admit, this New Musk ordeal has left me shaken. I thought I lived in a world where I had some measure of control. But genetically modified mollusk semen has taught me to check my own myopia — my own naivete and prejudice in assuming mason jars from Whole Foods would be organic.
After all, if glass can be GMO, what if my laptop is GMO? Or my phone?
Oh God, what if I am GMO?
Please help me! Send bourbon.
