Help Us Find Our Asshole Friend Who Keeps Disappearing
From: chettheman1234@hotmail.com
To: wilmathetwin@yahoo.com, wendathetwin@yahoo.com, WizWbeard@pacbell.net, odlawboblaw@gmail.com
Date: October 24th, 8:07pm
Subject: He did it again
Hi guys,
Really sorry to bother you — I know we thought this was solved after the incident at the candy cane factory — but it happened again.
We decided to go to the beach this afternoon. I was thinking the beach would be a pretty hard place for us to get separated, you know? Lots of wide open sand, and it’s not like he was going to jump in the ocean in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans.
I should have realized the beach was a bad idea when we were getting ready to leave our apartment. He refused to put on sunglasses or a baseball cap, and of course, he insisted on bringing his cane. I was like, “Look, buddy, how helpful is that really going to be in the sand? You don’t even need it!” and he just gave me that wide-eyed smile back — you know the one.
So we get to the beach, and I kid you not, pretty much the entire town is there. And half the people are wearing red. Why does that happen every time I go somewhere with him?
I turned around for literally five seconds — probably less, like two seconds — because I saw this girl I could have sworn I went to high school with. And then he disappeared.
I spent hours looking for him, or at least like 20 minutes, and then I went home. I hated to leave him there, I really did, but it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Plus, I could feel my skin starting to burn, and I look real bad when I’m peeling. I wasn’t sure if I might run into that girl again, the one from high school.
Hoping he shows up at our apartment tonight. If he does come back, what should I say? If anyone knows the passcode for his phone, I think I’m going to turn on Find My Friends. I know he doesn’t want us to, but this is getting out of hand.
***
From: wilmathetwin@yahoo.com
To: chettheman1234@hotmail.com, wendathetwin@yahoo.com, WizWbeard@pacbell.net, odlawboblaw@gmail.com
Date: October 24th, 9:12pm
Subject: Re: He did it again
Hi Chet,
Wenda and I should have told you this earlier, but it happened yesterday too. He went with us to the train station to see Wenda off. It was kind of a madhouse there, everyone rushing around and bumping into us, and for some reason there were a bunch of kids running around on top of the trains. It didn’t seem all that safe. I turned around to tell Wenda that, and as soon as I looked back, he was gone. Wenda missed her train, and we never ended up finding him.
Sometimes I feel like he thinks this is a game. Maybe he didn’t get enough attention from his parents growing up (he is a middle child) and he feels the need to test our friendship by disappearing and making us spend the rest of the day looking for him.
Last time things got this bad, we talked about putting him on one of those kiddie leashes the next time we go to a crowded place. I think it’s either that, or he agrees to go to therapy to deal with his need for attention. Anyone up for staging an intervention?
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From: WizWbeard@pacbell.net
To: chettheman1234@hotmail.com, wendathetwin@yahoo.com, odlawboblaw@gmail.com, wilmathetwin@yahoo.com
Date: October 24th, 10:02pm
Subject: Re:Re: He did it again
I must say, it feels as though we’re being a bit too hard on our friend. Who among us hasn’t felt the desire to disappear into a crowd, to lose ourselves and our pesky individuality in the mass of humanity that pulses and seethes around us?
I think we need to be patient, and eventually he will return to his senses.
***
From: chettheman1234@hotmail.com
To: wendathetwin@yahoo.com, odlawboblaw@gmail.com, wilmathetwin@yahoo.com
Date: October 24th, 10:09pm
Subject: Re:Re:Re: He did it again
Minus the Wiz. Does this dude always talk like that?
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From: odlawboblaw@gmail.com
To: wendathetwin@yahoo.com, chettheman1234@hotmail.com, wilmathetwin@yahoo.com
Date: October 24th, 10:21pm
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re: He did it again
Unfortunately, yes. But I think Wilma is onto something here. If we could somehow address this underlying need for attention, maybe he would stop disappearing.
Is anyone good at sketching? We could hang Wanted posters in our neighborhood with his face on them, as a joke, and then maybe he would get the idea.
Or if anyone has any better ideas, I’m open to hearing those as well.
***
From: wendathetwin@yahoo.com
To: chettheman1234@hotmail.com, wilmathetwin@yahoo.com, odlawboblaw@gmail.com
Date: October 24th, 10:38pm
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: He did it again
I like Odlaw’s idea! I know this pretty talented guy from my high school art class, Martin — maybe he could work something up.
I do think this is a game to him. So what if we made it even more of a game? What if we had Martin sketch crowds of people with him hiding in there somewhere, and then other people could try to find him? He and everyone else would realize how frustrating and inconsiderate his behavior is.
***
From: chettheman1234@hotmail.com
To: wilmathetwin@yahoo.com, odlawboblaw@gmail.com, wendathetwin@yahoo.com
Date: October 24th, 10:45pm
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: He did it again
Dude. I love it. The game sounds like a huge waste of time, but I think it would definitely get the message across.
We could call it: Help Us Find Our Asshole Friend Who Keeps Disappearing.
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From: wendathetwin@yahoo.com
To: wilmathetwin@yahoo.com, odlawboblaw@gmail.com, chettheman1234@hotmail.com
Date: October 24th, 11:00pm
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: He did it again
That’s funny, but what about something simpler, with alliteration?
I was thinking maybe: Where’s Waldo?
