Here’s How To Overcome Perfectionism — So You Better Not Screw It Up, Moron

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Are you a perfectionist seeking to change your ways? Here’s the complete guide to overcoming perfectionism precisely the right way — and remember, if you don’t follow these exact steps, you’re a failure of a human being who will never amount to anything in life. Let’s get started!

Become aware of your thoughts.

Throughout each day, pay attention to your perfectionistic thoughts as they pop into your head (for example: I must slice these cucumbers exactly ½ inch thick or else my family will hate me). Record these thoughts in a journal. Every. Single. One. No exceptions. If you miss recording even one stray thought, you’re automatically doomed to be a slave to perfectionism forever, you incompetent loser. Quick, write that down!

Focus on the positives.

Next time you catch yourself focusing on a thing you hate about yourself (and there are a lot — remember how you only got a 99% on that seventh-grade algebra test?), challenge yourself to identify three of your positive qualities. Actually, three is a huge stretch for you, so let’s make that two. Scratch that, one. What, you really can’t name one measly good thing about yourself? Wow. There’s a reason you think you can’t do anything right. Just sayin’.

Allow yourself to make mistakes.

Despite what perfectionists often think, making a mistake is not the end of the world — it’s an opportunity to learn and grow! Practice making mistakes by starting a brand-new hobby, such as pottery or improv. Oh my God. Did you actually pick improv? That is such a cliché, plus all your friends will hate you forever for forcing them to come to your shows. Well, that’s it. You had one chance to change your life, and now you’ll never overcome perfectionism, you hopeless bag of skin. Why do you even try?

Adjust your standards and set realistic goals.

Perfectionists tend to set unrealistically high goals, leading to unnecessary stress. Focus on creating smaller, more achievable goals instead. Now go through every single goal you have — career, fitness, ending all wars, solving world hunger — and break them each…